Illinois
Comptroller Dan Hynes is not generally known for his sense of humor.
Privately,
in one on one situations, Hynes can be engaging, and even funny. Put him in
front of a microphone, however, and he's usually stiff as a board.
So,
it was a great surprise last week when Comptroller Hynes regaled a Springfield
audience with a "fable" that had attendees laughing with glee.
Some
of Hynes' "fable" about the state's never-ending legislative session
this year is insider stuff, but if you've been keeping up with Illinois
politics you ought to understand most of it.
For
instance, the Illinois House voted 107 to zero against Gov. Rod Blagojevich's
horribly unpopular Gross Receipts tax last spring. Afterwards, Gov. Blagojevich
said it had been an "up day." The governor has also claimed he was doing
"God's work" by pushing a universal health insurance plan, and state
Sen. Mike Jacobs (D-Moline) found himself on the outs with Blagojevich when
Jacobs and the governor sparred publicly over that proposal. Jacobs claimed the
governor threatened to destroy his career. Lately, the governor has sued
Democratic House Speaker Michael Madigan over Madigan's refusal to convene
special sessions at the exact hour that the governor ordered, and also over
Madigan's refusal to hold override votes of the governor's vetoes in a timely
manner.
That
ought to be enough background to help you understand Dan Hynes'
"fable." Here it is...
Once
upon a time, in a Land of Lincoln, a Governor presented a budget in a lovely
town called Springfield.
This
Governor was great and generous and had a tremendous head of hair. And the wise
and diligent people who needed to approve the budget, the members of the
General Assembly, invited the Governor to their home to talk about one part of
his plan. He did. And when he left their House, the members did what any
courteous hosts would do: they voted 107-0 against him and told him he was
always welcome to stop by.
Though
the Governor declared this a great victory, the streets of Springfield were
strangely free of dancing or parades or general merriment.
Instead,
a great black cloud covered the Land.
And
the members of the General Assembly knew, to save the day, theyÕd have to agree
on some kind of plan. So their leaders set down to work, day and night, and
agreed on nothing of consequence.
And
the cloud remained.
Now
danger was approaching, and everyone said that they needed more time — so
that they could call each other the worst names they could think of. Nasty,
terrible names.
Like
when someone called the Governor a demagogue. And when the Governor called the
Speaker of the House - a Republican.
And
then things got even worse. The Governor said that God was on his side, and
then unleashed GodÕs fury against a Senator from Moline. And the men who led
the General Assembly insisted that they were absolutely, positively right, and
whenever discussing the Governor, took GodÕs name in vain.
God
was generally not pleased.
And
the cloud remained.
But
just when things looked their worst - just in the nick of time - knowing all
that was at stake for the people they served, the good and decent leaders came
together - in courtrooms all across Illinois. You see, the Governor had said
that the members should meet at 2 oÕclock. But the members decided to get
together at 10 oÕclock. That could mean only one thing, in the name of truth
and justice, and everything good in the world: Sue the bums!
So
in the happiest of happy endings, the Governor sued the Speaker of the House.
And just to make sure that the SpeakerÕs clerk didnÕt feel lonely, he sued him,
too. And for a moment, the Governor thought about suing a maid at the
Statehouse Inn because she had once said hello to the Speaker. But, in the rush
to get back for a Cubs playoff game, he forgot all about that.
And
the cloud remains over the Land.
Some
say that the Governor is acting crazy. Some say that the Speaker is acting
crazy. Some say that the other leaders are acting crazy.
But
all of the people in the Land of Lincoln do agree on one thing. Their leaders
are always, always, always putting them first.
-30-
Rich
Miller also publishes Capitol Fax, a daily political newsletter, and
thecapitolfaxblog.com