The lesson of this story: Be careful what you say because Washington, DC can be a very bizarre, mean and unforgiving place.

 

 

From: Tommy Vietor, Barack Obama press secretary To: Rich Miller

Subject: Obama press release

 

U.S. Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) today released the following statement about U.S. Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta’s pledge to provide $337 million in federal funds for expansion at O'Hare International Airport:

 

"This funding is an important first step in the O'Hare modernization process which ultimately will make our nation's aviation system safer and more efficient."

 

 

From: Rich Miller

To: Tommy Vietor, Barack Obama press secretary Re: Obama press release

 

Going out on a limb as always, I see.

 

 

From: Tommy Vietor, Barack Obama press secretary To: Rich Miller

Re: Obama press release

 

We are also pro-puppy, for the record.

 

 

From: Rich Miller

To: Tommy Vietor, Barack Obama press secretary Re: Obama press release

 

Does that mean he's anti-kitten?

 

 

From: Tommy Vietor, Barack Obama press secretary To: Rich Miller

Re: Obama press release

 

No comment!

 

 

From: Rich Miller

To: Tommy Vietor

 

WASHINGTON, DC: A top aide to US Sen. Barack Obama refused to confirm or deny today that the popular freshman legislator despises kittens.

 

"No comment!" bellowed Obama press spokesman Tommy Vietor when asked about rumors that the affable Senator harbored an intense but secret hatred of the fluffy cuties.

 

Vietor would only say that Obama is "pro-puppy."

 

A spokesperson for the NAACO (National Association for the Advancement of Cat Owners) decried Obama's unwillingness to take a firm stand on the widespread cat-hating rumors. "That's just so cowardly," Tawny Kitaen hissed. "If he thinks he's going to be president one day, he's got another thing coming."

 

A National Organization for Women leader pointed out that often when men despise cats they also resent women. "I think we've been given a profound insight into Sen. Obama's character," said NOW's national vice president Feo Hassenmänner.

 

 

From: Tommy Vietor

To: Rich Miller

 

I believe we need to set a timetable for kitten withdrawal from Iraq, too.

 

 

From: Rich Miller

To: Tommy Vietor

 

KISSIMME, FLORIDA: President Bush today attacked US Sen. Barack Obama for suggesting that he set a timetable for withdrawing kittens from Iraq.

 

"As long as I'm president, kitties will be able to freely roam that country under our protection. Now, watch this drive," Bush said during an improptu press conference at a Florida golf course this morning.

 

Obama has been enmeshed in an ever-increasing spiral of controversy since a spokesperson refused to deny rumors that he is a cat-hater.

 

Vice President Dick Cheney released a statement this morning from his undisclosed bunker charging that Obama was "supporting the terrorists," with his "irresponsible" call to withdraw kittens from the war-torn nation.

 

The Drudge Report added more fuel to the fire this afternoon when it ran a huge headline decrying Obama as a "LIBERAL HYPOCRITE BIGOT" because his children own two toy cats purchased at Wal-Mart and manufactured in China.

 

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has announced that his chamber will conduct a bipartisan ethics inquiry of Obama, despite the fact that no ethics rules appear to have been violated and no Demcrats will be allowed onto the committee. "We need to get peoples' minds off Tom Delay," a Frist aide explained.

 

Washington Post editor Bob Woodward and former New York Times reporter Judith Miller are expected to speak on behalf of the Bush administration during CNN's Larry King Live program later tonight.

 

One thing is certain, say wealthy Democratic insiders who never have kind words for Democrats, Obama must get in front of this story before his once bright future is ruined.

 

 

From: Rich Miller

To: Tommy Vietor

 

Tonight, on 60 Minutes... (tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick)...

 

Tommy Vietor had it all. The finest K-Mart suits, a cold-water flat in the toney southeastern corner of Washington, DC, a vintage 1978 Plymouth Fury and a 16-hour-a-day job as US Sen. Barack Obama's press secretary.

 

But the high life ended last year when Vietor revealed that his boss hated kittens. A horrified nation watched as Obama was forced to resign from the Senate in disgrace.

 

60 Minutes recently found Vietor working at this tuna-processing plant in rural Maine, where, ironically, dozens of cats - the animal that got Obama into so much trouble - now follow him home every night... (tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick)

 

 

Don't think it couldn't happen.

 

-30-

 

Rich Miller also publishes Capitol Fax, a daily political newsletter. He can be reached at capitolfax.blogspot.com.