--it's hard to get out of bed in the morning without groaning.
--most of your parts ache and those which don't don't work.
--you have an ailment for every letter in the alphabet except X.
--you spend more on medicine than beer.
--your dental work is worth more than your car.
--you try to remember what fun sex used to be.
--you have a grandchild explain to you how to find something on the internet.
--you have better conversations with yourself than with other people.
--you wonder what happened to all the good dance music.
--you wonder what happened to dancing.
--you wonder which joint will give out next.
--you wonder why Dick Clark doesn't age like the rest of us.
--you wince at words on television which once only appeared on restroom walls.
--you try to remember which dime store was where on Main Street.
--you remember when Galesburg had a downtown.
--you finally throw out your bell-bottom polyester slacks.
--you look for sports news in the Sports Illustrated swim suit edition.
--hair grows great in your nose and ears but not on top of your head.
--you have to look in your wallet for your home telephone number.
--you realize halfway to church that your socks don't match.
--you hesitate in the Lord's Prayer to remember if you're a debtor or trespasser.
--ruminating on your sins takes less than five minutes.
--you remember high school better thanlast week.
--you give up on CNN Headline News because you can't listen and read all the garbage on the screen at the same time.
--you can't remember who Alben Barkley was.
--you try to dim your car headlights with your left foot.
--poodles at the Westminster Dog Show have better haircuts than you do.--
your clothes hang better on a chair than they do on you.
--you need a magnifying glass to read a street map.
--the first thing you check in the newspaper is the obituaries.
--you realize Marilyn Monroe has been dead for 40 years and would be 76 if she wasn't!
--you don't recognize anyone at your high school reunion and can't read the writing on their name tags.--
you think Thomas Dewey fought at Manila Bay.--
a high school girl opens the door for you.--
prunes for breakfast seems a very sensible idea.