The Flub-A-Dub Award

A new year. I'm starting the millennium over. The last one didn't start so good, or end so good, whichever. My resolutions are made and my calling is clear, I'm going to peeve people off all through the year.

The Flub-A-Dub award begins its fourth season. Thirty-six awards have been bestowed upon a wide variety of people. People just love to see their name in print. Most recipients seem to take the award with a grain of salt. Every now and then someone gets a little upset. I apologize to them and have only one thing to say: Wimps.

January's award, the first of the new year and new millennium, goes to two individuals who both had bad ideas and unfortunately made them public. Fortunately, I heard about them.

Rev. Jesse Jackson. I met Rev. Jackson for the first time in 1971. I was going to Bethany Theological Seminary in Oak Brook. Jesse had finished up at Chicago Theological Seminary in Hyde Park, where my best friend was going. We had occasion to go to the Operation Breadbasket headquarters probably three or four times. If I had known, I would have passed on some important sex education information given to me by my mother: keep your zipper up. Jesse is at that age when any sign of life from down-under is a good sign. Usually the female doesn't have to be pretty or intelligent or successful, only willing. Sex and the desire to engage in it has humbled many a man or woman, not the least of whom was our last President. It's always disappointing to see our leaders stumble, especially over their own dew worms, but after all, we are all human. It does seem that one of man's weaknesses is a displacement of brainpower from one head to the next. This only seems to get worse with age. Rev. Jackson will have to leave the topic of moral behavior out of his future sermons.

Alderwoman Karen Lafferty came up with quite a solution to our Bunker Links mismanagement fiasco. The city administration's explanation was just about as ludicrous and quite enlightening. They have a five-year plan, and expect losses in the last one or two years. I wouldn't have said that in public, particularly when they are trying to persuade us to let them run a cable business. I hope they don't intend on using a five-year plan? Anyway, Alderwoman Lafferty wants to build a new 36-hole course and give away the old one for residential development. I'm assuming she was grossly misquoted concerning the giveaway part. To help her out of an ugly web she has woven, here are some suggestions:

a.) Charge more. b.) See to it the city does a one-year plan, not a five-year. c.) Do away with permanent tee times. Number one, they are probably illegal on a public course. Number two, they tie up weekends and holidays with the same people who play all week for about $3 per round. Give some full-paying customers a chance at the prime times. Add up a, b, and c, and you come up with about $175,000. Now you're ready to run for mayor.

Congratulations to Rev. Jackson and Alderwoman Lafferty. Both have learned a valuable lesson in keeping it zipped up.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online January 24, 2001

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