Flubs are flying all over the place. It must be Flub season. There are Flubs hanging from the trees, circling in the air, floating around in the sky. Reminds me of the crows. I ask you, which do you think came first, Flubs or crows?

I'm giving January's Flub to the anti-crow people. For those of you outside of Galesburg, let me explain. Galesburg is being overrun by crows. As fast as people are moving out, crows are moving in. As these immigrants struggle to make a home for themselves, a motley crew of crow haters has emerged, who somehow have the notion that humans outrank crows on the evolutionary ladder, which I personally have serious doubts about.

The crow, according to legend, is a mysterious bird. It was thought by medicine men and women that crow could ''shape shift,'' or appear in two places at the same time, which may account for its numbers. Crow lives in the void between this world and the next. Crow medicine is more powerful than human laws. Crow law reminds you that divine law is more important than human law.

Crows can be taught to speak, although it would take a lifetime to teach a crow just a few words. It would seemingly be a tragic waste of time, particularly for the crow.

Crows do not grow their own food and are not allowed in grocery stores. They let someone else get their food for them. They are scavengers. Snacking on roadkill is much easier and safer than engaging the enemy in hand to hand combat. They learned this by carefully watching our military. So the crow waits until the enemy is killed by whatever, than feasts on the spoils of battle. At least the dead enemy doesn't go to waste.

Crows are smart. They don't bother with indoor plumbing and those low-volume flush toilets. Crows just let 'er fly. In flight, sitting on branches, or entertaining tourists, if nature calls, they respond. This seems the epitome of freedom and creative expression, to be able to transform a somewhat disgusting human trait into a crow art form.

Some do-gooders in town want to kill the crows. If I were them, I would be very hesitant to do so. Number one: They were here first. They have dibs. If anybody should go, it should be us. Number two: I don't hear anyone blaming the farmers, you have destroyed all their cover. The city is the only place with half-trees left. Number three: As is clearly evident, crows are smarter than humans. Never kill anything smarter than you. And you never see a crow with a stopped up toilet, now do you? And number four: Crows are capable of capturing your soul. The crow you shot could be your grandmother.

So there, I've once again sided with the underdog, or in this case, the underbird. I'm pro-crow. This whole thing could get really messy. Perhaps it already has.

So Flub you, you crow haters out there. Damn you!

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online January 30, 2002

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