The Winter Olympics. This is the only amateur event in the world that professionals are allowed to compete in. Not counting the Summer Olympics. I never have quite understood that, but hey, fair is fair. Watching the Olympics is like watching one colossal commercial, topped off with a huge dose of patriotism. Besides all the corporate shenanigans and patriotic ya-ya, I ain't too keen on winter sports to begin with.

Take ski jumping. Ski jumping doesn't make a lot of sense. If you want to get from point A to point B, why not just walk? Besides, I don't think it's right to fly without wings. It's not natural.

Luge racing is just plain stupid. Barreling down the side of a mountain in a tin can is not my idea of having fun. What's the purpose? Don't climb to the top of a mountain if where you really want to be is at the bottom.

Ice skating. What a waste of time. I once went ice skating. I lasted 10 minutes. It's no fun, it hurts your feet, and it's cold. I only went because the girl I was dating wanted to go. I ended up marrying her, but it was not because of my skating skills. It was more my looks. And you can't trust the judges who are watching these people jump around on the ice like a bunch of sissies. One little threat and they throw the whole thing. Sissies, all of them.

Snow boarding is not really a sport. It's a bunch of drugged up kids doing crazy things. Jumping around doing somersaults in the air is way overrated. The announcers were calling these crazed kids ''the new American heroes.'' Get real. These kids are brain damaged.

The biathlon. Here's a real breathtaking event. People ski around a circle and shoot guns, which seems an odd combination. Not even cavemen were that stupid. They just clubbed whatever they were after over the head and drug it home. I suppose skiing into the wilderness and shooting something is feasible, but why not just drive an SUV? And they shoot at goofy little targets. Why not real people, like ice skating judges?

I have to admit, I like curling. Curling is something I could do. Sort of. I wouldn't really care to stand around on ice for 75 minutes, but hey, at least your beer wouldn't get warm. The 42 pound curling stone is 20 pounds more than I am supposed to lift, but I'd sacrifice, for the team and a shot at the gold. After all, in these here Olympics, gold turns to paper pretty fast. I'd probably end up having to be a sweeper, which in curling terms means someone who sweeps. I'm good at sweeping. I sweep a lot of things under the rug. My only downfall is I never sweep quite often enough. But I can improve. If all else fails, I can be in charge of the beer. Like I said, it won't be hard keeping it cold.

So the Winter Olympics gets flubbed. I realize this will not be a popular choice, what with all the nationalism going on, but holding a big party in Salt Lake City is not really a good idea to begin with. Las Vegas or New Orleans would have been a much better choice.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online February 27, 2002

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