The Flub-A-Dub Award

March. Spring. I'm to the point of, if I see one more snow-flake, I'll become homicidal. A seventy degree day would be about as good as sex.

This month's flub-a-dub award goes to the television industry and all the stupid shows that are screwing up our minds and helping to make winter ever so much longer and unbearable.

Here are the owners of the major networks: NBC is owned by General Electric, ABC by Disney, CBS by Viacom, CNN by AOL Time-Warner, and Fox by the Republican Party. Gone are the days of any kind of independent news reporting. Now it's toe the company line, or else.

And what a lineup of shows. Here are some of the more brain-shattering:

1. Survivor. This is a show that rewards moronism. Not only are the contestants morons, but everybody that watches the show has to be a moron to believe that a bunch of white folks could survive in the Outback for more than ten minutes. Maybe the Outback Restaurant. The aborigines would laugh at these idiots running around pretending to survive off the land. All of these folks sign a gag order when applying to the show, making sure that they don't give away the central plot, which is to make morons out of the audience. About the only survival issues these contestants face are seeing who gets to the buffet first at night, and who can suck down the most pina coladas. I caught on to the pina colada thing when the guy stumbled into the fire, which seemingly has been the only non-scripted thing to happen on the show.

2. All the award shows. You have The Grammies, The Oscars, The People's Choice Awards, The Emmys, The Golden Globes, The Country Music Awards. The list goes on and on. These events look more like zoos than they do respectable gatherings of talented and creative individuals. Generally speaking, there are several people who are sober, making them stand out like a sore thumb. I do like the contest between females to see who can expose the most body parts without getting arrested for indecent exposure. I especially like the acceptance speeches. The person is suddenly confronted with having to talk, which seems to be an awful burden. Most don't even know their name, or where they're at. They always thank their parents, which could only result in embarrassment for them. A lot of them thank God, who would best be left out of the whole affair. They never thank us, the blooming idiots who buy their crap.

3. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Here is a show that capitalizes on our greed. Any idiot should be able to get up to the $32,000 question. This would be more than most of the contestants make in a lifetime. Here's an actual $32,000 question: How do you spell your first name? This must be the breaking off point. A $64,000 question was: Which came first, the chicken or Tyson Foods? Anyway, I would discourage anyone from wanting to be a millionaire. Rich people suck.

4. Detective Shows. This has been a popular topic since Howdy Dowdy first discovered that Flubadub was a homosexual, which, by the way, has nothing to do with this column. I don't want to fire up all you right-wing Christian soldiers out there. Today, we have ''NYPD Blues,'' ''Law and Order,'' ''The District,'' and most recently, ''The Job'' and ''The Big Apple.'' We seem to have a fascination with officers running around arresting prostitutes and drug dealers. They never show cops breaking into the wrong house, or shooting one another apprehending an unarmed person. You don't even see that kind of thing on the real cop shows, like ''Cops,'' ''Homicide,'' ''Police Videos'' or ''Most Wanted.'' Of course, they never did any filming in Knox County.

5. Medical Shows. Medical shows are big. ''ER,'' ''Gideon's Crossing,'' ''Practice.'' We're fascinated with how we are so blatantly screwed by the medical industry. Even on TV, most of the hospitals are losing money, making me wonder just where all the dollars are going. Stupid question. Average doctor's salary: $250,000. Administators: $150,000. Some of the shows are pretty realistic. I once saw an episode where they took off the penis of a man who was having a sex change operation. Only trouble, wrong man. In another, the patient got an infection, which they eventually blamed on an alien. That's like in other world alien. I don't want to get any foreign doctors mad at me. This is actually a better explanation than what was given to me concerning my recent infection after open-heart surgery. They said I infected myself. I must really hate me. Now there is a channel devoted entirely to medical things, like live births and gall bladder operations. The only time I ever watched this station, someone was getting a hemorrhoidectomy. The poor guy has been the butt of jokes ever since.

6. Lawyer Shows. Shows about lawyers are a dime a dozen, which comes close to matching the number of attorneys in America. If just lawyers watched these shows, the percent of the viewing audience would be big enough to keep them on the air. ''Ed'' features an attorney turned bowling alley owner. ''Judging Amy'' highlights a female attorney turned judge. ''Jag'' stars military attorneys, ''Ally McBeal'' demonstrates the mental status of most attorneys, and ''Family Law'' shows the more conservative side of the profession. The new arrival, ''First Years,'' depicts attorneys learning their profession by using us as guinea pigs, the most realistic of the lot, other than ''60 Minutes,'' which frequently does interviews with attorneys from prison.

That about sums up the TV industry. Sex, violence, guts, and tears, with an added touch of sex and violence. The only saving grace is ''Touched By An Angel.'' This is good, realistic, honest, wholesome TV. Three of the nicest angels you would ever want to meet. ''Charlie's Angels'' were a bit more splashy, but they didn't have Roma Downey. I like that Irish accent. Her hair, it's so red. And she lights up. She'd make a great nightlight.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online March 27, 2001

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