Leave It To Peever

­­Bumper sticker of the week: It feels so good out, I think I'll leave it out. Eve

­­Quote of the week: Prisons in this country are in pathetic shape. It's not so much the physical structures as it is the demeaning, dehumanizing, degrading way they are run. Prisoners are sent to rural areas, where their families and friends find it hard to visit; they are given TV instead of books to keep them from learning; and they are provided with minimal exercise and maximum isolation. It is all done with a purpose in mind. They are to get worse and stay that way forever, thus proving the point of the law and order right wingers: Some people are just bad apples. From The Peever.Com, Bruce Weik.

­­My satisfaction in writing this column does not, much to my dismay, come by way of monetary reward. I get far greater satisfaction in knowing that I have peeved you and that some of the ridiculous things that I say occasionally do make sense and sometimes do actually come true.

­­ Hunting season has just ended. Deer bagged an unbelievable 456,752 humans. The biggest head was a size 13 3/4. Some big cowboy down in Texas. The deer apparently make a lot of humans into sausage. Seems like an awful barbaric tradition, but I guess humans are getting to be a terrible nuisance on the highways. A lot of deer are getting killed running into them. Ducks added another 275,331 humans. The limit was three per duck, which lowered their totals considerably from previous years. That and the fact that assault weapons are no longer allowed for hunting purposes. Bears did quite well in the far north, nailing 101,256 humans using helicopters and dogs. I've always thought that shouldn't be allowed. Finally, rabbits barely eked out a living, with only 4,426 humans being taken. This is probably attributed to the lower number of rabbits hunting nowadays due to corporate farming practices of destroying all their cover. These ferocious hunters are having a hard time surviving. I suppose in some ways that's not all that bad. I can go into the backyard with a little more confidence knowing that I won't end up being some bunny's dinner.

­­New Year Predictions:

--We will attack two additional countries during 2002, one of which will be California.--

Illinois will declare bankruptcy and elect a Democratic governor, with our luck probably on the same day.--

Galesburg will hold its own during 2002, although some of our larger companies will be secretly preparing to leave.--

The 2002 election will be anticlimactic, which is obviously nothing new.--

More people will lose their jobs as the unemployment rate soars to 7 percent officially, 20 percent in actuality.--

A cure will be found for something.--

Just about the time you think nothing can get worse, it will.

­­For every problem there is a bureaucrat somewhere getting paid the money it would take to solve it.

­­Peever Laws:--

If you don't teach kids about sex, you get children. If you do teach kids about sex, you get children.--

You cannot legislate morality. You cannot legislate anything having to do with the human spirit.--

The more Republicans in office, the richer they become.--

Nothing is impossible if you can find someone else to do it.--

Given the laws of probability, surely not every dummy is a politician.--

The longer you try to hold it, the less you sleep.--

It will snow in direct proportion to your need to get to the airport.--

If you keep it long enough, you can eventually sell it at a backyard sale for a quarter.

­­ l always thought I'd make a great psychiatrist, but I'm way too sane.

­­ Racquetball is an all right game if you like being locked up in a small room with someone trying to kill you.

­­ Bunker Links continues to lose money. I've never seen a course so busy lose so much. I have a solution: How about giving the land to the county to run another nursing home?

­­ l drive defensively. I don't trust the other guy. I just wait to see what kind of a stupid move he will make. He seldom lets me down.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online January 1, 2002

Back to The Zephyr