Quote of the week: ''Those who cast votes decide nothing. Those who count votes decide everything.'' Joseph Stalin
On any given day, I might raise seven or eight different kinds of hell. I just try not to raise any of them with my wife.
Do you remember an important event (first kiss, first car, etc.)? My first kiss and first love went hand in hand. She was Summer-Fall-Winter-Spring, princess of the Howdy Dowdy Show. What a dame. When I went to kiss the TV, the static shock convinced me we had something special going.
What is your most favorite possession? Years ago I found an arrowhead along a creek that I grew up with. I held it in my hand and rubbed it like a Jennies lamp. I thought it was magic. It was.
What was the biggest problem you had growing up? One of the biggest problems I had was undressing in the locker room. The girls didn't think it was all that funny. Neither did their PE teacher.
How did you meet your spouse? As I recall, I was peeping in her window.
What type of things concern you most right now? On an immediate basis, my underwear is riding up. Beyond that, I'm a little worried about Bush taking over. I have a hunch he's the President Quayle we never had.
What have you accomplished that makes you most proud? I stopped smoking. Well, I actually never started. I did always smoke the cigar couples would give out when they have a kid, but I could never get the bubble gum ones to light up.
What do you like most about yourself? I like the way I dress. I've often heard it referred to as ''tacky.'' ''Tacky'' is good, isn't it?
What do you love to eat and why? I love ice cream, pies, steaks and french fries. Of course I'm not suppose to eat any of these things any more, having recently had open heart surgery. Now I eat low-fat everything. I'm wondering if maybe I died and went to low-fat hell?
My New Year's resolutions:
-- No more Mr. Nice Guy. From here on out I'm going to get tough.--
Everything goes up but my salary. Higher gas prices, higher natural gas prices, higher taxes, higher cable, higher premiums. The next person that raises the price of anything I have to have but don't want is going to learn the size of my boot.--
I'm going to eat healthier foods. Of course, this assumes there are healthier foods. It's getting harder and harder to figure that out. And I don't count tofu as food.--
I'm going to try and improve my language. I picked up cussing from my grandfather. He believed cussing kept away bad luck. If it hadn't been for that semi, I would have almost thought it was true.--
I'd stop making fun of people, but what fun would that be?--
I'm going to write a book this year. It will have something to do with sex after death.--
I'm going to try to stay up later, which means some time after 9pm. I keep hearing about David Lettermen and Jay Leno. It's about time I met them.--
I'm going to move to somewhere warmer, I don't care how much you beg me not to.
If this all sounds like the ranting of a 52-year-old who is wondering what to do with the rest of his life, well, it probably is.