­­ Bumper sticker of week: I invented the bumper sticker -- A. Gore

­­ Quote of the week: ''Those who cast votes decide nothing. Those who count votes decide everything.'' Joseph Stalin

­­ On any given day, I might raise seven or eight different kinds of hell. I just try not to raise any of them with my wife.

­­ Do you remember an important event (first kiss, first car, etc.)? My first kiss and first love went hand in hand. She was Summer-Fall-Winter-Spring, princess of the Howdy Dowdy Show. What a dame. When I went to kiss the TV, the static shock convinced me we had something special going.

­­ What is your most favorite possession? Years ago I found an arrowhead along a creek that I grew up with. I held it in my hand and rubbed it like a Jennies lamp. I thought it was magic. It was.

­­ What was the biggest problem you had growing up? One of the biggest problems I had was undressing in the locker room. The girls didn't think it was all that funny. Neither did their PE teacher.

­­ How did you meet your spouse? As I recall, I was peeping in her window.

­­ What type of things concern you most right now? On an immediate basis, my underwear is riding up. Beyond that, I'm a little worried about Bush taking over. I have a hunch he's the President Quayle we never had.

­­ What have you accomplished that makes you most proud? I stopped smoking. Well, I actually never started. I did always smoke the cigar couples would give out when they have a kid, but I could never get the bubble gum ones to light up.

­­ What do you like most about yourself? I like the way I dress. I've often heard it referred to as ''tacky.'' ''Tacky'' is good, isn't it?

­­ What do you love to eat and why? I love ice cream, pies, steaks and french fries. Of course I'm not suppose to eat any of these things any more, having recently had open heart surgery. Now I eat low-fat everything. I'm wondering if maybe I died and went to low-fat hell?

­­ My New Year's resolutions:

-- No more Mr. Nice Guy. From here on out I'm going to get tough.--

Everything goes up but my salary. Higher gas prices, higher natural gas prices, higher taxes, higher cable, higher premiums. The next person that raises the price of anything I have to have but don't want is going to learn the size of my boot.--

I'm going to eat healthier foods. Of course, this assumes there are healthier foods. It's getting harder and harder to figure that out. And I don't count tofu as food.--

I'm going to try and improve my language. I picked up cussing from my grandfather. He believed cussing kept away bad luck. If it hadn't been for that semi, I would have almost thought it was true.--

I'd stop making fun of people, but what fun would that be?--

I'm going to write a book this year. It will have something to do with sex after death.--

I'm going to try to stay up later, which means some time after 9pm. I keep hearing about David Lettermen and Jay Leno. It's about time I met them.--

I'm going to move to somewhere warmer, I don't care how much you beg me not to.

­­ If this all sounds like the ranting of a 52-year-old who is wondering what to do with the rest of his life, well, it probably is.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online January 2, 2001

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