Holy Antiquities

– Bumper sticker of the week: Tell me again, why did you vote for Bush?

– Quote of the week: "The religious right didn’t grow out of a love for God and one’s neighbor – it grew out of racism, pure and simple." Stealing Jesus: How Fundamentalism Betrays Christianity, Bruce Bawer

– "It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting." The Alchemist

– How low will Bush go?: As our newly elected President, George W. Bush has an approval rating of 48% in one poll, 49% in another. For a newly elected President, this is almost unheard of. The electorate, if we had any sense at all, would at least elect someone we approve of. This is why I’m not sure that Bush was fairly elected. We’re either the dumbest bunch of fools on earth, or we’ve been cheated for a second time, proving we’re the dumbest bunch of fools on earth. None of this makes sense.

– Praying for miracles: Right-wing Christians have used prayer to champion their cause for years. Pat Robertson, one time Presidential candidate and well known right-wing televangelist, once led a TV prayer evoking God to give liberal Supreme Court justices a heart attack or cancer. While seemingly somewhat anti-Christian in tone, these guys might be on to something. Having recently been ordained, here’s my left wing prayer to counter their right-wing nonsense. It’s time to put a little heat on God. Whose prayers will be answered?

God, grant us the wisdom to see that the crap being pawned off as Christianity today is nothing more than right-wing ideology dressed up to look like Christ. Please help us to get over this sorry interpretation of Jesus’ life and teachings, and put us back on the road towards compassion, peace, non-violence, tolerance, and love. Now, I don’t think it would be nice to pray for these people to be devoured by two-headed dragons, or to spontaneously combust, but none-the-less, I wouldn’t mind you considering it. (Just kidding). Give us the courage to counter their lies, to turn off their Fox TV, to start fires with their newspapers and magazines, and above all else, Dear God, help us to never ever by caught agreeing with anything their false idol, George W. Bush, does, says, or thinks. Thank you for listening to the left. We may not be very good at this kind of thing, but I’m pretty sure we’re right. God Bless America. And everyone else.

– How to survive another four years of George W. Bush:

You should start by burying all your money in the backyard.

I’d recommend drinking more, but I can’t, since I’m a substance abuse counselor.

• Go to Canada, although don’t expect a warm welcoming. They’re not really very fond of us anymore, and they never did like serving us liberals quiche, or listening to us whine about the cold.

• Turn off Fox TV, throw away the Wall Street Journal, and start writing letters to the editor.

• Keep telling yourself that things can’t get much worse, although I doubt this will work.

• You could become an undertaker to take full advantage of Bush’s messianic Armageddon


Hire Karl Rove to convince you that everything in the world is just fine and George W. Bush is just the person to make it even better.

• I’m personally working on a time machine to fast forward the next four years. Wish me luck.

Arkansas turning liberal: A judge in Little Rock recently overturned a ruling made by the state’s Child Welfare agency banning gays and lesbians from adopting children. My influence in the state is being felt already.

– Holy antiquities: Two, that have been described as "phenomena finds," have recently been judged to be fakes. It was said they may have changed the history of the Jewish and Christian people. One was a burial box supposedly containing the bones of James, Jesus’ brother. The other was a tablet referring to King Solomon’s Temple. Both have subsequently been found to be fakes by the Israel Antiquities Authority. In the United States, we’re much more practical about these things. A lady recently sold a half-eaten grilled cheese sandwich with a supposed image of the Virgin Mary on it for $28,000 on E-bay. How anyone knows what the Virgin Mary looks like, I have no idea. But there she is, surrounded by butter, toasted bread, and probably, American cheese. Holy objects have a knack of ending up in the strangest places. Anyway, it seems to me that it’s all come down to buying a piece of heaven, not earning it. By the way, I’ve been looking at one of the crystals I found in Arkansas. It sure looks a lot like Moses. Let’s start the bidding at, say, $20,000.