­­ Bumper sticker of the week: The best things in life aren't things.

­­ Quote of the week: ''Are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?'' --Mary Oliver

­­The facts:

-- Eight out of ten Fortune 500 CEO's prefer making a profit over sex.--

A recent study has determined that 95 percent of all right-wing Christians were a breech birth.--

Most politicians are angry and vindictive. This seems to stem from their parents not voting for them.--

It has been discovered that Adam and Eve were brother and sister, which helps explain a lot of human behavior.--

The Olympics will be discontinued in the next century due to the amateur athletes demanding more and more compensation.--

It is predicted the world will one day be run by no more than fifty mega-corporate monopolies.--

The military will end by the year 2030 due to lack of interest.--

By the year 2050, there will be more prisons than institutions of higher learning, which might well become one and the same.--

A pill has been developed that will allow a person to speak only the truth. The FDA is withholding their approval due to a request by the president.--

All the children in the U.S. will one day be on behavioral medications at the request of all primary and secondary teachers.--

It is believed that by the end of the 21st century, people will be regularly traveling to Mars, which seems like a really interesting place to go.

I made all of this up, but most of it is probably true.

­­ Well, we made it through Y2K, although I did at times have my doubts:--

I did notice that the kitchen faucet was dripping, which I figured was a heinous right-wing plot to drive me crazy. Ends up someone left it on for the cat to get a drink.--

My computer quit. Seems I forgot I unplugged it.--

I saw Richard Simmons on TV, which really scared me.--

I bought a box of Cheerios that was only half full. What kind of evilness is that?--

I called the bank to make sure my money was safe. They never heard of me. Wrong bank.--

The new millennium arrived. No problems. What am I going to do with all this extra crap I bought? You only need so much toilet paper.--

Just about the time I thought all was well, I saw a campaign ad for George Bush, Jr. They are using the phrase Bold Conservatism to describe some of his ideas. This to go along with already being a Compassionate Conservative. They're going way out of their way to make a Conservative sound somewhere hear human. I'm beginning to worry the end might be closer than we think.

­­ I made a bunch of New Year's resolutions. Thought I'd share a few:--

I'm going to try to be more positive, although I'm not quite sure why.--

I need to take off a few pounds. I was going to give up my daily ice cream, but I decided to cut out vegetables instead.--

They say exercise is the key to longevity. I made a resolution to buy a cemetery plot.--

I'm going to quit smoking, which I figure should be easy. I never started.--

I am going to start drinking. They say it's good for you. However, I don't think they had tequila in mind.--

I'm going to give up going to Big Al's. Gives me nightmares.--

I'm going to try to be a better Democrat, which means getting used to using only half

my brain.--

I'm working at not getting angry at all the stupidity I see. Hopefully, they'll come up

with a pill to cure this. For now there's Ex-Lax.--

I need to become more compassionate, particularly with those who believe in creationism. I swear, no more talk about lobotomies.--

No more sports on TV. I've wasted too much of my life wondering what the hell a ''hat trick'' is.--

I'm going to become kinder and gentler in my writing, although I suppose I've blown that one already.

­­ I understand there are currently 35 countries at war. This doesn't include the little battle I'm having with the neighbor. I swear no more land mines.

­­ I figured the Y2K thing was a big scam. I was right. Italy spent 1 percent of what the U.S. did, estimated to have been well over $100 billion, and had only minor problems. Of course, if things would have gone to hell in a handbasket, I'd have said we didn't do enough. So there. Some days you can't lose.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online January 11, 2000

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