€ Bumper sticker of the week: If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child?
€ Quote of the week: "It's very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty­two, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at twenty­two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's also the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it." ‹Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom
€ Wilted water lilies make lousy house­plants.
€ A dog that constantly humps your leg can be very annoying.
€ Every time the phone rings I cringe.
€ One more notice that I've won a million dollars and I'm going to retire.
€ We are fascinated with becoming rich. There must be five new TV shows about winning money. Of course the lottery plays on this theme, as do all gambling casinos. Say you were to win a million. Then what?
€ I don't know what it is about a pair of jeans, but something magical happens when you put a woman inside them. I'm not sure the same holds true for men, I don't pay much attention. I do know the older a male gets, your butt disappears. I once asked a friend if I still had a butt. I suppose I should have asked my wife, because when she said yes, I had this overwhelming urge to marry her.
€ How in the world could a cat get in your freezer without you noticing it?
€ The KKK came to my door recruiting the other day. I asked them what they thought about pink satin sheets? They left.
€ I love it when someone stops by the house to talk about religion. I'm sure they either feel much better about themselves when the leave, or at the very least, much more normal.
€ Here's the thing: When was the last time you gave any serious thought to where all that crap goes when you flush the toilet?
€ I see they hired someone new to run Galesburg 2000. Just what we need, another free­loading bureaucrat.
€ There is a full moon Friday night. If someone starts gnawing on your neck, don't get all excited. They're just looking for a drink.
€ Don't come looking for any hand­outs from me this year. Being a yuppie, I feel a certain amount of responsibility to give everything to myself.
€ I'm thinking about taking a vacation. I can't decide whether to go to the basement or the attic.
€ Golf looks so simple when you watch the pro's. I think it's all fake. You know, like some people believe we faked the moon landing, or Dolly Parton's boobs. That kind of fake.
€ Well,well,well. Y2K has come and gone with nary a problem. The scammers are still insisting we aren't out of the water. There could be problems on any Friday the 13th, any day there's going to be a full moon, or on Mia Farrow's birthday. I'm guessing the only problem there's going to be is deciding how these computer geniuses will hide all the money they made from the IRS.
€ It's census time. I can't wait to get my questionnaire in the mail. I'm going to make a bunch of stuff up, like ten females, maybe twenty, are living here with me. That would really help our population go up. Just think, if every male in town did this, we might get up to 70­80 thousand. Than all the city administrators could pay themselves more. Or all the males in town would be locked up for being delusional.