The Peever talks with his long-time, slightly eccentric friend Jake Lobrowski:

Jake: Peever, we've been together a long time.

Peever: Jake, we could have been Siamese twins. We met around 1954, didn't we?

Jake: I believe so. I was supposed to pick you up to take you to your first day of school. I forgot you.

Peever: Yea. Well, it was no big deal. I eventually got over it.

Jake: Last year! Let me get to the point. What are your thoughts on the new millennium? I'm doing a little research.

Peever: For who? Not that right-wing organization you constantly send stupid stuff to so their statistics get all screwed up?

Jake: No. This is legitimate. I'm doing an article for the Oquawka Current. Now, what do you think about the new millennium?

Peever: Oh, it's just great. I woke up January 1, 2000 with the flu. When you're sitting on the can with diarrhea and throwing up in the bathtub, it kind of puts a whole new perspective on life. I couldn't help thinking, thank God it's the new millennium.

Jake: Sorry to hear that. It didn't have anything to do with all the tequila we drank on New Years Eve, did it?

Peever: No, I threw that up before the new millennium.

Jake: What do you think is going to happen in the world?

Peever: Jake, if I knew that I would write a book.

Jake: Why don't you?

Peever: Because I don't have the slightest idea. I'd have to guess.

Jake: That doesn't stop anybody else. There must be twenty books out on what might be gonna happen in the future. ''Futurists'' is what they call themselves. In fact, the Oquawka article I'm putting together is a lead into my own book, ''Lobrowski's Prophecies.''

Peever: So you're jumping on the bandwagon, huh, Jake? Somehow I'm not surprised. What are some of your ideas?

Jake: Well, I'm not going to talk about the same old things -- government, the economy, space travel, technology. I'm going to be much more practical.

Peever: I see. That's probably a good idea. Good marketing strategy. You always were practical, like wearing your underwear for a week, or only flushing the toilet once per day.

Jake: Exactly. For instance, in the new millennium, one of the most important things to have will be a fishing boat.

Peever: A fishing boat. How do you figure?

Jake: I figure if I don't say that, they won't print my article in Oquawka.

Peever: OK, besides a fishing boat. What else might be important in the 21st century?

Jake: I think it's going to be important for everyone to live in a log cabin.

Peever: A log cabin? Come on Jake, a log cabin in New York, Chicago, London?

Jake: Well, no, but it would look good in Oquawka.

Peever: Jake, anything other than a trailer would look good in Oquawka. But I think I am beginning to see where this is headed. Any other prognostications? Perhaps something a bit more global.

Jake: What about cars?

Peever: Jake, everybody and their mother owns a car. In fact, maybe two or three of them.

Jake: Not everywhere. Besides, I'm talking about one that sits in the front yard rusting. One you might use for a flower planter or to scare the tax assessor away.

Peever: Like in Oquawka?

Jake: Now your catching on.

Peever: Jake, we been friends a long time, but this has got to be one of the dumbest....

Jake: Have you ever had anything published in Oquawka?

Peever: Well, no.

Jake: So there.

Peever: Jake, why would I want anything published in Oquawka?

Jake: So your telling me you don't like Oquawka?

Peever: I didn't say that. Oquawka is fine. I love Oquawka. Why, some of the best times I've had in my life were in Oquawka.

Jake: Come on. You don't like Oquawka because they might publish something I write.

Peever: Yea, I'd be devastated. Jake, I'm glad you're writing again. I don't blame you for going all out to please your audience. Your last writing fiasco was pretty hard on you, wasn't it?

Jake: You mean that Flub-a-Dub thing?

Peever: Before I took that column over for you, you were pretty hard on the boys in Galesburg. I think it took a lot out of you.

Jake: Hey, I call 'em as I see 'em.

Peever: That's fine. I say a lot about the good old boys myself. But I don't talk about their wives or children, or call their mothers strange things.

Jake: I just get a little worked up. Thinking about how those folks cheat us and use up all our tax money paying themselves a lot gets me going.

Peever: You always did have a passion for the underdog.

Jake: That's why I like Oquawka. There are good hard working people there. People who don't ask for hand-outs. They catch or shoot everything they eat. They don't take TIF money from the town and call it progress. They don't hire fancy EDC directors or Oquawka 2000 bureaucrats to take credit for things that would happen anyway. I like the honesty. They call a carp a carp, not a bass or a tuna.

Peever: That's nice Jake. I can see you really want them to publish that article.

Jake: Yea. And furthermore, they're smart and good looking and......

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online January 25, 2000

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