Leave It To Peever

­­ Bumper sticker of the week: A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.

­­ Quote of the week: ''You don't get another life like this one. You will never again play this role and experience this life as it's been given to you. You will never again experience the world as in this life, in this set of circumstances, with these parents, children, families. You will never experience the earth with all its wonders in this time again. Don't wait for one last look at the ocean, the sky, the stars, or a loved one. Go look now.'' Life Lessons, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

­­ The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.

­­ School vouchers is a bad idea. Unfortunately, the President doesn't think so. He is going to cram them down our throats by hiding them in a comprehensive education reform bill. I hope he gets nothing but regurgitated on. Read our lips, we don't want school vouchers.

­­ Lord, give me patience with W. George, but hurry.

­­ I can't wait for my federal tax refund. We'll probably be able to go out to breakfast. President George's friends will be able to buy another summer home with theirs. Somehow it's all going to help the economy. I can't wait.

­­ There's no need to go to church anymore, just read the letters in the Zephyr. We ought to apply for a religious exemption from taxes.

­­ Things you don't want to buy a woman:--

wrinkle cream--

a membership in a weight-loss plan--

a certificate for dinner at the Platinum Club--


the book, ''How to Be a Bitch 7-days a Week''

­­ Fun things to do on an elevator:--

Yell ''Fire''on each floor the elevator stops at.--

Give away frequent elevator miles.--

Put a sign up that anyone ten pounds over their prescribed weight has to take the stairs, by order of the committee.--

Try having sex between floors, preferably with another.--

Get on and start telling a story about how your brother-in-law was killed on an

elevator by a madman.--

No one ever looks at one another on an elevator. Stare at everyone and ask them their names.

­­ Just about the time you start getting used to yesterday, along comes today.

­­ Who knows out there in readership-land who some of the defense contractors are who are going to play a major role in the Star Wars fiasco? The whole thing is going to be a colossal waste of money, but I might as well get in on some of the action. How's that for some good old fashioned Republican spirit?

­­ Wars are no longer fought to determine who is right, but only who is left.

­­ I flew my black flag on inauguration day. I left it up for a few days, but my wife was afraid everyone would think I had died and she was flying it. That has been a possibility lately. I hate being so negative. I'm working on a better attitude. After all, George Jr. might be a perfectly good President. And tomorrow it's going to be 80 degrees. There I go again. Restraining myself is going to be tough. In an effort to mend fences with my Republican friends, I'm going to refrain from any further Bushisms the rest of this week. I'm particularly confident since I'm at the end of the column.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online January 30, 2001

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