­­ Quote of the week: ''Religion is a defense against the experience of God.'' Carl Jung

­­ I heard Sen. Jesse Helms shooting off his mouth again. Unfortunately, that's the one part of him that still works. I'm not sure why they would allow this guy to address the United Nations. It must have been old folks week. He wants to save young Elian Gonzalez from the cruel fate of living in Cuba, what with Fidel and communism and all. That he would be better off in the United States is a joke. Kids are treated much better in Cuba, at least according to most of the kids that we send there on cultural exchanges. Anyway, it's fun to watch all the Super-Americans come the the kid's aid. It provides some cheap entertainment while David Letterman is recovering.

­­ A lesson in feelings:

-- Oh to feel the warmth of another's touch. You just hope to God they don't have any diseases.--

I was terrified to learn that most Democrats use only a fourth of their brain-power.--

It's a humbling experience to stand by and watch yourself get screwed.--

If you like feeling lonely, don't bathe.--

The last time I felt despondent was when someone asked me why I keep running for

the county board.--

I'm horrified that the government tries to hide so much from its owners.--

Many people feel hopeless about their future. These people are referred to as the living dead.--

I am confident that Knox County will eventually have a new jail. I'm just not sure I'll still be alive.--

I have a peaceful, pleasant, happy feeling about the future. However, I'm usually sad, empty and alarmed when it gets here. I get this serene, yet dumbfounded, feeling that I've seen it all before.--

Well, George Bush Jr. is well on his way to becoming his party's choice for the nomination for president. I saw his father was in New Hampshire helping young George with his commitment to say nothing and really mean it. The Democrats will be glad George Jr. is the Republicans' pick, although it appears they will pick Al Gore, who also has trouble saying what he doesn't mean. He recently did a little flip-flop on the abortion issue, although his pro-life writing was probably done to please his pro-censorship wife. Oh brother.

­­ Some things I'd like to do but never quite seem to find the time for:--

I'd like to sit in on an EDC meeting, but right about that time I have to feed the dogs.--

I almost got a job with the Register-Mail but they wanted me to cover city council meetings. I figure I've got enough nonsense in my life already.--

I'd like to get into a few Ironman contests but my psychiatrist says I'm too sane.--

I always wanted to learn Spanish. Then I can go to Taco Bell.--

I'd like to write a book but I can't find anyone who knows how to market meaningless nonsense.--

I offered to do a half-hour show at The Laser but they were afraid I'd say something nasty about the owner. So I went over to WAlK but they said they already have enough goofballs. So I'm going to start WEIK.

­­ The Super Bowl was a pretty good game this year. One of the cameramen must have a crush on Curt Warner's wife. Every other minute she was on the camera. I'll bet you didn't know I'm her barber. When they talk to her or Curt, they're constantly thanking God for how well Curt and the Rams are doing, as though God would give a rat's ass. Frankly, I was more interested in his mother, who always seems to have on a low cut sweater. Of course I do understand God wanting to favor the Rams, what with the owner having been married six or seven times. She obviously has been spreading a lot of joy around.

­­ Gov. George Ryan turns out to be a much better Democrat than the Democrat who ran against him. He's spending money like it grows on trees, which Democrats are always accused of doing, although we generally don't give it to our friends, at least not quite as openly. He tries his best to get tough on guns, but he isn't very good at it. He met with Rev. Jesse Jackson concerning the racist use of ''zero tolerance for violence'' in our schools, and he has recently suspended the death penalty in Illinois, infamous for the innocent people we have residing on death row. And to top it off, if the Secretary of State scandal gets much worse, he may end up residing in the slammer, where the last two Democratic governors ended up. I don't care what anybody says, I think this guy's got a lot of donkey in his family history.