­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

­­ Quote of the week: ''If you are running away from yourself, you won't escape here.'' The View From a Monastery, Brother Benet Tvedten

­­ If ignorance is bliss, Washington must be paradise.

­­ The Pottytician Award for February goes to John Ashcroft. It seems Mr. Ashcroft was even too conservative for Missouri, a state not known for its liberalism. He was so bad he lost his bid for reelection to the Senate to a dead man. Now he is Attorney General, sworn to uphold the nation's laws. My black flag's going back up.

­­ More thoughts from the naked dancing lama:

-- Nine out of ten men who have tried Camels prefer women.--

It is not good to try and fool Mother Nature. No sex change operations.--

In times of distress, periods of upheaval, or to level out your moods, try medications.--

Politicians are not what holds the world together. Gravity does.--

I have traveled around the world, danced on many a street corner, talked to many of the power possessed, listened to sermons from the high and mighty, and still I have not been able to come to terms with my nakedness.

­­ Priestly Pursuits:--

Changing water to wine. Drinking it.--

Learning couples communication without the practicum.--

Upholding the Pope's mandates. Sometimes holding up the Pope.--

Hearing confessions and writing best-selling novels.--

Getting accustomed to being called Father. That title should scare them.

­­ Monk Moments:--

Is it good to only live with men? Especially if you're a man.--

Wearing a robe all day would seem to be a sign of laziness.--

Praying all day leaves little time for sinly pleasures.--

Who would want to tell their parents, Hey folks, I want to be a monk?--

What's the difference between a monk and a cowboy?

­­ How to spot a right-wing Protestant minister:--

Polyester suit.--

Tie that don't match.--

Carrying the King James version of the Bible. This one's more male oriented.--

They always claim to know ''The Way.'' It's usually their way.--

They've always had a personal experience with God. Many talk to God. So do a lot of mental patients.--

I've never seen a left-handed right-wing minister.--

They will be eager to accept government money for their charitable works, like buying vacation homes, Lincoln's, and printing more right-wing literature.

­­ Firing at City Hall. Was it based on performance or too much political ambition? I'm guessing neither. I'll put up a dollar betting some other female has it in for her. This is strictly a hunch and, unlike the Register-Mail, I am not putting it on the front page to help anyone politically or otherwise. I am simply suggesting that it sounds like a feline territorial skirmish. And the Tomcat has taken sides.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online February 13, 2001

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