LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

Grandpa warned me about bush’s.

— Bumper sticker of the week: The only Bush I trust is my own.

— Quote of the week: “The day I rediscovered Mother Teresa’s words, 'We can do no great things — only small things, with great love,' the so called war on terror had just cranked up, and the administration was attempting to dignify the call to violence with rhetoric so over the top it abrogated divine authority; Operation Infinite Justice, for example. What a grounded, utterly human antidote her words were. And what a relief! Instead of waking each morning and defining myself as an impotent war protester in an America run by oil-worshiping thugs, I started waking up and thinking, “Okay, what small thing can I do today with love?” David James Duncan

— Some things I learned from my grandfather:

• Never argue with grandma.

• A bush is not necessarily a bush.

• Never trust management.

• A beer or two every now and then helps smooth things out.

• Don’t get all excited. Tomorrow will show up just the same.

• A lot of boys with big educations wasted their time.

• A good rhubarb pie is one of life’s finer pleasures.

• Never put the outhouse near the well.

• Never overestimate your opponent.

• Don’t make hard work out of living.

— Ten ways to know you’re alive:

1. Just because you have a heart beat or brain wave doesn’t mean a thing.

2. Are you raising some kind of hell?

3. Do you wake up in the morning grateful for the opportunity to make life better for someone else?

4. Have you ever felt, just for a second, that you might be connected to everything else?

5. Do you say you’re sorry when you need to?

6. Have you helped someone without expecting anything in return?

7. Do you cry when you see people suffering?

8. Can you accept the fact that you may be wrong sometimes?

9. Somewhere in your heart, do you feel it is wrong to kill others in the pursuit of peace and democracy?

10. Blood pressure, heart beat, pulse, breathing, all have something to do with life, but little to do with living it.

— Let’s sell some of our ports to a Saudi owned company: There’s a good move. The idiot government wiretaps our conversations worried about which of us may be turning into a terrorist, yet proposes selling six of our major ports to a nation that has been directly connected to 9/11. Go figure.

— The winter Olympics: What a bunch of idiotic things to do with your life. Gee, I can go down a mountain between poles faster than anyone else in the world. Who would want to hang around all those prissy prima-donnas on skates? Hey, I’m going to get on a sled and go 80 mph down an ice tunnel. But I have to admit, I do like curling. There’s something I can see myself doing, although standing on ice for very long is not really my idea of smart. No one should ever get hurt, unless of course you slip on the ice and bust your butt, or someone goes crazy and starts throwing around some of the stones. But all things being equal, it seems like a pretty safe, no-contact sport where beer could easily be added. And maybe some cheerleaders.