Leave It To Peever

­­ Bumper sticker of the week: If we quit voting will they all go away?

­­ Quote of the week: ''The common view in the heartland is that the ship of state is running on fumes, and no one's at the wheel; after all, the designated driver wasn't designated by anyone -- and he's a self-confessed drunk driver to boot. Hard-core Republicans are desperately hoping that big Dick Cheney can survive half a dozen more heart attacks and last long enough to oversee the raping and pillaging of everything west of Wichita.'' S-- tupid White Men, Michael Moore

­­ The trials and tribulations of drunk drivers:--

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.--

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times to hit him.--

Going home I drove into the wrong yard and hit a tree I didn't know I had.--

I had to swerve hard to keep from hitting that hog. I didn't make it. I laid her in the ditch.--

I only had a couple.

­­ All six gubernatorial candidates have to be a disappointment for anyone with half a brain. They all think about the same, which is relatively slowly and fairly conservatively. If I had to pick today, it would reluctantly be Corinne Wood. At least she can wear a dress with style, which is more than I can say for the others.

­­ Finally, things are getting back to normal with me, which technically means things are back to abnormal.

­­ Someone recently asked me if I were Native American. I don't really look Native American but I took it as a compliment. After thinking about it, I don't think that's how she meant it. She said I looked half crocked and half there. I never heard of those two tribes.

­­ I was standing in this closed up office when I suddenly smelled this God awful stink. It couldn't have been anything but me having farted, and I didn't even realize it. That ain't right.

­­ I was listening to Louis Farrakhan the other night. I love listening to a good speaker. Most of these bozos nowadays can't string together five words without getting lost, e.g. W. George, but Farrakhan can roll for half an hour without looking at his notes. No teleprompter. He was describing why America loves to fight wars over oil, including the present one. He reminds rich white folk how it was they got rich, which is usually off the backs of minorities and the poor. He's tough to listen to, especially if you're white, but he sure sounds right.

­­ Managed care companies are one of man's stupidest inventions. They sprang up as another way to cheat people out of their money. If you end up at the hospital, you have to call them within 10 minutes, or they're sorry but they can't pay. The first question they ask you is if you have insurance. Why the hell would you be calling them while you're dying if you didn't? The second question is how much money do you have in the bank, because their intention is to get it. The major premise they work on is that we are dumber than a box of rocks, which is evident in our putting up with such nonsense. The whole thing speaks to our overall intelligence, which seems to be hovering somewhere around 73.

­­ Knox College has an attorney for a President. I don't know about that. I don't trust attorneys. Just the other day I said hello to one downtown and he sent me a bill for $50. And the moral of the story:

A. Never say hello to an attorney and expect not to pay for it.

B. A legal degree apparently makes you eligible for any number of different jobs, including, but not limited to, a used car salesman, a pimp, a politician, and a fund raiser, not necessarily in that order.

C. If a water buffalo can't swim, why not eat it for dinner?

­­ I went down to Florida just in time to see record low temperatures. Lovely state. I should have known better than to go somewhere where a Bush is in charge.

Uploaded to The Zephyr website March 6, 2002

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