Why let heterosexual couples have all the fun?


– Bumper sticker of the week: Drop Bush, not bombs.

– Quote of the week: "Erase the lines: I pray you not to love classifications. The thing is like a river, from source to sea-mouth. One flowing life," Robinson Jeffers

– Spring is just around the corner:

• I look forward to all the yard work about as much as I look forward to a root canal.

• Picking up dog poop, after 3 dogs pooping for 3 months, is quite a chore. I fantasize about the poop turning to gold. Bill Gates, eat your heart out.

• I have big plans this summer. Stain the deck, paint the foundation, build a labyrinth, make a brick walk, put in a fountain and two sculptures. Now all I have to do is find someone to do it.

• Spring is a time for growth, renewal. Time to get off your butt and start doing. I’m so pumped up I’m going to start getting up before noon.

• The winter wasn’t so bad, but it’s about 3 months too long. I’m hoping with global warming that will change.

• Spring is in the air. Of course, so are toxic fumes.

– How to make the best out of life in Galesburg:

• In other places, there are way too many things to do. It gets confusing.

• We hardly ever have an earthquake, mud slide, brush fire, hurricane, or volcanic eruption.

• The cost of living is really pretty cheap, although I’ve always thought you get what you pay


• There are hardly any traffic jams. July 4 is the worst, if you happen to be at Lake Storey,

which seemingly all of Knox County is. It can get pretty congested downtown, especially when there’s a train, which is about every other minute.

• The people are friendly. I had a couple guys on the front porch just the other day wanting me to become a Mormon. I thought they said "moron." I told them I wasn’t a Republican.

– How to spot a right-wing Christian:

• They’ll be bad-mouthing Hillary Clinton.

• Some of them carry guns, usually in the crotch area. I think it’s to fool us, although

sometimes they’re women, which is kind of confusing.

• They’re always married to the opposite sex. Well, usually.

• Generally they have on two right-footed shoes.

• For some reason, and I’ve never quite figured this out, they think Christ would approve of some of the weird notions they have about the Bible. Oh well!

– Gay marriages: Bush proposes an amendment to the Constitution to ban gay marriages. I have some suggestions for some more urgently needed amendments:

1. You have to receive the most votes to win an election.

2. Ban Presidents with an IQ below 50.

3. No Texans may hold federal office.

4. All cabinet members have to show proof of belonging to the human race.

5. The President may not tell more than 5 lies per day.

6. Presidents may not have sex with donkeys. They may produce a jackass. He may become President.

7. No fornicating with unknown objects.

8. You cannot be President if you’ve been a movie star or got a DUI.

9. Pre-emptive war is illegal.

10. The President has to be able to talk in sentences with 5 or more words. (Proposed amendment #2 may cover this).

Besides, why should heterosexual couples be the only ones to suffer?

– The Bush administration: "Oh, and by the way, we’re sorry for doctoring up that report on health care in America. It was an inadvertent mistake." Why do they have their fingers crossed when they say that?

– Someone told me there’s a vigilante group running around town reporting junked up yards to the junked up yard authorities. I hope they don’t see my back yard. It looks like a mine field of dog poop. Is that illegal?