LEAVE IT TO PEEVER
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In what is a perfectly timed announcement for my column, here is a Peever
exclusive: President Bush resigns. He gave the following simple statement, ÒI
quit.Ó He didnÕt mispronounce a word. There is speculation that God told him to
do so, George apparently being able to converse directly with Him on occasion.
Other sources are saying that he is distraught over the war and not being able
to find Osama bin Laden. George thought he had him cornered over in the Senate
chambers, but it ended up being Barack Obama. Apparently due to the extreme
embarrassment, he reportedly quit. Anyway, Vice-President Cheney is next in
line to become President, but he cannot be found. Apparently he is still in
hiding from that Afghan incident. So Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as our 44th
President at 4pm EST, today. In an exclusive interview with The Peever, she is
quoted as saying, ÒAinÕt I lucky.Ó There you have it.
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In a surprise announcement from Mississippi, Toyota has decided to move their
new factory scheduled to be built in Mississippi, to Galesburg. After already
stating that they were going to build in Mississippi, the announcement comes as
quite a surprise to the mayor of Galesburg. Gary Smith, while talking with
yours truly, could only be heard saying, ÒThank God. Jobs. Jobs. Jobs.Ó
Obviously he was quite excited. In fact, no one had ever seen him quite that
excited, including his wife.
—
AmerenIP 'fesses up. In a prepared statement, the CEO of AmerenIP apologizes
for stealing from us and vows to make up for it over the long, hot summer. In a
rare moment of candor, he states, ÒSorry.Ó After doing some real hard
investigative reporting, it was discovered that there has apparently been some
under-the-table dealings with Springfield. It seems that as long as AmerenIP
apologized, the Legislature in Springfield would not reinstated a freeze on
electrical rates. No one in Springfield seemed to know much about this, but then,
whatÕs new?
—
Florida is disappearing due to the greenhouse effect. Oh well.
—
In a rare scientific breakthrough, it was discovered just last week that
apparently American corporations can make a profit without screwing us so
badly. But it appears the only way this will work is if the CEOs wear some type of latex device over their entire body,
making them look like the pricks they are.
—
In a rare glimpse into the behavior of women in need of immediate relief, it
was noted by this reporter that more and more ladies are going into the menÕs
room and using the urinals. No one has directly witnessed this phenomena, but a
group of women shooting the bull at a local tavern were overheard talking about
it. ÒThe guy next to me was really impressed that I didnÕt have to use my
hands. He was too drunk to notice I was a woman.Ó
—
Mother Nature destroys the rest of the trees in Galesburg. She beat AmerenIP.
Or they paid her off, but I canÕt prove it.
—
And finally, a word from the county board. In what seems to be a historic
moment, the board has voted to disband. No one is quite sure if this is legal,
but the states attorney is quoted as saying, ÒWhy not?Ó I say congratulations,
youÕve finally come up with a good idea. And by the way, how about sending us
all a check from the landfill, since you are so eager to deplete its funds? I
was under the impression you were not allowed to do that. Must be my mistake.
There
you have it. Have a good April FoolÕs Day, and remember, my birthday is on the 4th.
I accept cash, money orders, and chocolate.