LEAVE IT TO PEEVER
— In what is a perfectly timed announcement for my column, here is a Peever exclusive: President Bush resigns. He gave the following simple statement, “I quit.” He didn’t mispronounce a word. There is speculation that God told him to do so, George apparently being able to converse directly with Him on occasion. Other sources are saying that he is distraught over the war and not being able to find Osama bin Laden. George thought he had him cornered over in the Senate chambers, but it ended up being Barack Obama. Apparently due to the extreme embarrassment, he reportedly quit. Anyway, Vice-President Cheney is next in line to become President, but he cannot be found. Apparently he is still in hiding from that Afghan incident. So Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as our 44th President at 4pm EST, today. In an exclusive interview with The Peever, she is quoted as saying, “Ain’t I lucky.” There you have it.
— In a surprise announcement from Mississippi, Toyota has decided to move their new factory scheduled to be built in Mississippi, to Galesburg. After already stating that they were going to build in Mississippi, the announcement comes as quite a surprise to the mayor of Galesburg. Gary Smith, while talking with yours truly, could only be heard saying, “Thank God. Jobs. Jobs. Jobs.” Obviously he was quite excited. In fact, no one had ever seen him quite that excited, including his wife.
— AmerenIP 'fesses up. In a prepared statement, the CEO of AmerenIP apologizes for stealing from us and vows to make up for it over the long, hot summer. In a rare moment of candor, he states, “Sorry.” After doing some real hard investigative reporting, it was discovered that there has apparently been some under-the-table dealings with Springfield. It seems that as long as AmerenIP apologized, the Legislature in Springfield would not reinstated a freeze on electrical rates. No one in Springfield seemed to know much about this, but then, what’s new?
— Florida is disappearing due to the greenhouse effect. Oh well.
— In a rare scientific breakthrough, it was discovered just last week that apparently American corporations can make a profit without screwing us so badly. But it appears the only way this will work is if the CEOs wear some type of latex device over their entire body, making them look like the pricks they are.
— In a rare glimpse into the behavior of women in need of immediate relief, it was noted by this reporter that more and more ladies are going into the men’s room and using the urinals. No one has directly witnessed this phenomena, but a group of women shooting the bull at a local tavern were overheard talking about it. “The guy next to me was really impressed that I didn’t have to use my hands. He was too drunk to notice I was a woman.”
— Mother Nature destroys the rest of the trees in Galesburg. She beat AmerenIP. Or they paid her off, but I can’t prove it.
— And finally, a word from the county board. In what seems to be a historic moment, the board has voted to disband. No one is quite sure if this is legal, but the states attorney is quoted as saying, “Why not?” I say congratulations, you’ve finally come up with a good idea. And by the way, how about sending us all a check from the landfill, since you are so eager to deplete its funds? I was under the impression you were not allowed to do that. Must be my mistake.
There you have it. Have a good April Fool’s Day, and remember, my birthday is on the 4th. I accept cash, money orders, and chocolate.