I’ve done a political flip-flop

– From here on out, call me Mr. Right.

– Rush Limbaugh isn’t all that bad. After all, he apparently had an excuse. Pain medications can make you confused. He deserves our forgiveness. And I’m betting William Bennett had a good reason to gamble. Probably his wife. And good old Newt. Just because your wife is dying is no good reason to not divorce her. After all...

– Most of the right-wing ministers around town deserve our admiration. Someone’s got to speak up for morality. I think if you lead a good, clean life like they do, you have a right to express your high expectations of others.

– Homosexuals are sick, demented people. How else can you explain their good taste?

– I am a firm supporter of war. After all, what better way to win people over to your way of thinking than to kill them. Besides, now that I am old, I don’t have to participate in this very dangerous activity. When you get old, I guess you can’t kill good. Apparently young people and poor people are good at it. This seems like a good way to weed out the weak and unwanted. After all, freedom has a high price. And who better to pay for it than the young and poor?

– Bill and Hillary Clinton are responsible for everything bad.

– Christianity is the only true religion. If you don’t believe me, go see the movie.

– Liberals are trying to ruin the world, what with all this talk about universal health care, taking care of the poor, and one of the stupidest ideas ever, discussion and compromise rather than war. Liberals are evil. I learned that from Hannity, you know, the guy on TV who never lies.

– People who break the law deserve the death penalty. I think the death penalty should be extended to anyone who sneaks into a gated community; for stealing from the rich; anyone caught having sex with a liberal; for saying naughty things about someone else’s mother; and for paying for drugs with counterfeit money. Lethal injection is a sorry excuse for capital punishment. We should have pot-lucks on the town square, or circle, that features a hanging, a beheading, and maybe one death by firing squad, to get some crowd participation. We could probably charge $5 admission, which we could use to buy a community defense system, to keep out, say, Jews, Chinese, and Mexicans.

– I don’t think a woman should be able to do just anything she wants with her body. After all, we did give them the right to vote. Wanting control of your body is really pushing it.

– I don’t think we should have universal health-care. Hell, if everybody gets decent health-care, it’s going to get really crowded.

– Can you believe these liberals who whine about the environment all the time? What a bunch of cry babies. Like they own the place. If I want to do a little polluting for profit, what’s the big deal? Anyway, mankind ain’t going to survive forever. You got to learn to live for the now. Besides, a little global warming might help our property values.

– Businesses should be given every break known to mankind if they want to locate in Galesburg. After all, they’re risking their capital. In Galesburg, risking your capital is very risky business. The taxpayer should be willing to pick up some of the risk. As you’re well aware, freedom and democracy do have a price. Apparently so does city hall.

– I support the war on drugs. If you use drugs, you should be severely dealt with. Maybe the death penalty. But remember, beer is excluded. Beer drinking is ok. In fact, there should be an amendment stating that we can drink as much beer as we want. There’s no good reason why beer shouldn’t be sold everywhere. More people would go to church if they served beer.

– I’m sure we didn’t kidnap President Aristide. After all, he was elected. We wouldn’t do something like that.

– And I’m sure Florida was on the up and up in 2000.

– And don’t tell me there wasn’t weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

And furthermore, April Fool!