Leave It To Peever


Question: Why do you think people run for public office?

Answer: Most of these people have already been truck drivers, parking lot attendants, waitresses, or street line painters. Some have never had to work, their mommies and daddies gave them a lot of money. The only qualifications for most are that they either have to be a Republican or a Democrat, which any numbskull can be.

Question: Is capital punishment a good idea?

Answer: No. The wrong people are always put to death. I don't mean like those people who were found guilty by a jury of their peers who were subsequently found innocent by a bunch of grade school children doing a science project. No, I mean people who are normally executed should be replaced by CEO's who cheat their employees out of their retirement, or military generals who order the bombing of innocent civilians, or white collar businessmen who are the money behind the drug deals, or the politicians who ignore the environment in favor of helping their friends get rich, or school teachers who have sex with students, or parents who beat their kids, or fast food owners who serve us tainted meat, or used car salesmen who sell us a lemon, or any telemarketer, or...

Question: Is evolution a scientific fact or science fiction?

Answer: If evolution is not science, but science fiction, as preached by creationists, how can you explain New York?

Question: How do you know when drinking has the best of you?

Answer: Answer these two important questions: 1. Do you have control of the drinking or does the drinking have control of you? and 2. Which came first, the beer bottle or sex?

Question: Do you think the census is worthwhile?

Answer: No. It costs way too much money and solves nothing. All it accomplishes is to show us where people prefer to live, which is evident by the traffic jams, and that there are more minorities than ever, which scares the ever living hell out of white folk, causing us to have headaches and diarrhea.

Question: Do you believe there will ever be a nuclear attack on the United States?

Answer: Yes. You can't trust some of these countries. Take for instance Nova Scotia. They are strategically located, have big burly women, and the residents are all real cranky after winter. I personally never trusted Alaska. They are located right next to Russia, have a long history of using guns to shot bears, and I do not see it above them to send us missile-nosed tuna, which would make a real big mess. And how about Texas? How can you trust a place that produced the likes of Tom DeLay and George Bush, Jr., and has hired Bobby Knight to be the state coach?

Question: Unlimited guns. Is it best that way?

Answer: Guns worry me. It's not so much owning one as it is shooting one. Another. I do understand why people get nervous about this. If we have no guns, and the state, or federal government, has all the guns, how would we ever be able to overthrow the government, as called for in the constitution, should it become necessary? This doesn't particularly bother me. I think we can easily outsmart them.

Question: Are you confident that big business can maintain the health care system in this country?

Answer: I have all the confidence in the world in big business. Let's take a look at their record: Look what corporations have done for the environment, surface mining, oil exploration, forests, water quality, pesticide and herbicide control, seed production, the telecommunications industry, meat production, gun sales, arms sales, the railroads, airlines, auto production, prescription drugs, energy production. Private industry has a stellar record that I completely trust and do not have any doubts in. On the other hand, I also believed President Clinton when he said he didn't have sex with that girl.

Question: Do you believe in the existence of life beyond the Earth?

Answer: Yes. Why would God allow only us to have all the fun? Somewhere, somehow, there has to be someone else. I do not, however, believe they have ever tried to get in touch with us. This would prove them to be extremely stupid. We would kill them, stuff them, and put them in our museums. Think about it. If you were not from the Earth, would you try to get in touch with you?

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online April 3, 2001

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