Happy birthday to the peeves. Five years old. And they said it couldn't be done. Here are some of my favorites:

­­ Iowa went for Bob Dole. They've made that mistake before. Second place went to Pat Buchanan. This is a new mistake. I suppose it goes to show you that in a state known for its corn, a prune and a nut fit in pretty well. They have the makings for a new cereal: Christian Flakes.

­­ I figure we could balance the budget by doing away with all defense expenditures. Who in the hell would want to take over this mess?

­­ I keep coming to these streets that say, ''No right turns.''

­­ Weik on Kemp: He hurt his back and couldn't go into active service. They prescribed football for the next seven years.

­­ Here's a little known fact: The faster a person talks, the more likely it is that he or she is a politician.

­­ Rush Limbaugh on nuclear weapons: ''There is only one way to get rid of them -- use them.'' Have I got a brilliant idea.

­­ Someone recently told me the end was near. They were happy, being sure they were one of the chosen few. So I shot them. They were right on at least one count.

­­ It's good to know what it takes to get there, but bad to get there before you know.

­­ Here's a good one. There are 70,650 attorneys in Illinois and we're worried about mega-hog farms.

­­ I got through another Friday the 13th without any major problems. At least that's what my psychiatrist said.

­­ Let's see if you can get a handle on this:--

If politicians quit taking PAC money, making wishes come true would become a lost art.--

I hear right-wing Christians are taking up a collection to buy God a gun. They just can't figure out what kind she would like.--

Adults wonder why kids act the way they do. Look in a mirror.--

Who would have guessed Pee Wee Herman was right when he said that in order to find yourself, it's sometimes necessary to go to a movie.

­­ In the scheme of things there's only about three things you can count on: you're going to die, taxes are going up, and no matter how hard you try, your kids will always be smarter than you.

­­ The city wants a special deal to get rid of its waste. I say we can't afford a special election.

­­ Any female who dreams about having sex with Bill Clinton obviously hasn't met him.

­­ The Chamber of Commerce was started to legitimatize the minimum wage.

­­ Be sure to vote in the upcoming primary. If your choice should happen to win in November, you can proudly stand up and say, ''This was my choice from the beginning.'' Then we'll know exactly who to blame.

­­ I keep hearing this garbage about the 60's being to blame for the lackadaisical attitude that exists today about drugs. Trust me, I think I was there. It's not true.

­­ Speaking of prisons. They continue to be the hottest industry in Illinois. The state's new motto: A prison a year keeps the suburbs clear.

­­ I'd like to attend more city council meetings, but my doctor recommends limiting the amount of baloney I listen to.

­­ The rich are usually attracted to the poor, mainly so they can work them half to death for minimum wage.

­­ Don't try to replace the urge to smoke with sex. It's too confusing.

­­ This old saying pretty well sums it up: If you're doing something that's not good for yourself, there's no one else to blame but your spouse.

­­ How you know if your a curmudgeon:--

You know you must be wrong about something, but you can't figure out what it is.--

You remain skeptical about a virgin birth.--

You miss potlucks, but not the socialization.--

You would prefer females not be allowed in taverns, unless, of course, they're dancing.--

You expect the worst out of people and are generally not disappointed.

­­ How in the world could a cat get in your freezer without you noticing it?

­­ A dog that constantly humps your leg sure can get annoying.

­­ The KKK came to my door recruiting the other day. I asked them what they thought about pink satin sheets. They left.

It's been a pleasure peeving you. Remember: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words, oh how they'll peeve you.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online April 4, 2000

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