Nine years, but who’s counting

Peeves to the left of me. Peeves to the right.

Everywhere I look, there’s a peeve in sight.

If I left it up to others to do what needs be done,

How exactly is it that I would have some fun?

So I’ll peeve you in the morning, and I’ll peeve you at night.

Nine years have I peeved you, and there’s no end in sight.

So, let’s kick off year number ten. If I haven’t peeved you by now, check your pulse, you may be dead.

– In the beginning, there was peeve number one (April, 1995): The city wants a special deal from the county to get rid of its waste. I say we can’t afford a special election.

– Some classics:

• I sure hope if I die I go to heaven. I figure hell is a Republican National Convention.

• I would have to say, all things being equal, which they seldom are, that a town seeking to have a prison built in it, or near it, is a town desperately seeking stupidity as its major goal.

• I haven’t talked to my wife in two weeks. I hate to interrupt her.

• It doesn’t hurt to want. The problem is paying for it.

• Building a relationship is a lot like building a house. If you take shortcuts, you usually end

up paying for it later.

• Justice for a long time has favored the rich, as do many of life’s finer purchases.

• Definition – nitwit: This is a person who may have Flubbed real bad. A nitwit is not to be confused with an idiot or moron, or someone who is just plain stupid. A nitwit is seriously dumb. Death sentence dumb.

– At Galesburg’s most desperate moment, the city council seems to have vanished. Thank God.

– To do something wrong is not better than to do nothing at all.

– Ways to tell you’re sane:

• You can count backwards from 2.

• You know who the President was supposed to be.

• You know the date, the time, and the place, where you first had sex involving someone else.

• You’re pretty sure that killing has nothing to do with peace.

• When you look in a mirror, you understand perfectly well who the idiot is staring back at you.

• Go see a psychiatrist. If you understand what they say, you’re in trouble.

• Hold two fingers up. Now, poke yourself in the eyes. If you followed these instructions, you’re probably not sane. If you poked someone else, you’re ok.

• If you see things that aren’t there, don’t panic. Apply for a job with the Bush administration.

– The election is in full gear. I sure hope the winner wins this time. When the loser wins, it really confuses me.

– Five proven truths from the left:

1. Playing in left field is not for the timid. With characters like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, and O’Reilly spreading bull all over the place, one needs to watch their step. You don’t want to pick up any of that stink.

2. Never in one day take more than ten turns to the right. This applies to walking, driving, and interpreting the Bible.

3. If you intend on ruling the world, learn to speak. It’s tough carrying a teleprompter around everywhere.

4. They say the left are nothing but whinny little whinnies. I say that could be true. We handed them the last election with nary a whimper.

5. It is much better to have leftovers than rightovers.

So here we go again. To all of you out there who have been loyal readers over the last nine years, my apologies. To all those who chose not to read this column, screw you. I hope you get globalized.