LEAVE IT TO PEEVER
Nine years, but whos counting
Peeves to the left of me. Peeves to the right.
Everywhere I look, theres a peeve in sight.
If I left it up to others to do what needs be done,
How exactly is it that I would have some fun?
So Ill peeve you in the morning, and Ill peeve you at night.
Nine years have I peeved you, and theres no end in sight.
So, lets kick off year number ten. If I havent peeved you by now, check your pulse, you may be dead.
In the beginning, there was peeve number one (April, 1995): The city wants a special deal from the county to get rid of its waste. I say we cant afford a special election.
I sure hope if I die I go to heaven. I figure hell is a Republican National Convention.
I would have to say, all things being equal, which they seldom are, that a town seeking to have a prison built in it, or near it, is a town desperately seeking stupidity as its major goal.
I havent talked to my wife in two weeks. I hate to interrupt her.
It doesnt hurt to want. The problem is paying for it.
Building a relationship is a lot like building a house. If you take shortcuts, you usually end
up paying for it later.
Justice for a long time has favored the rich, as do many of lifes finer purchases.
Definition nitwit: This is a person who may have Flubbed real bad. A nitwit is not to be confused with an idiot or moron, or someone who is just plain stupid. A nitwit is seriously dumb. Death sentence dumb.
At Galesburgs most desperate moment, the city council seems to have vanished. Thank God.
To do something wrong is not better than to do nothing at all.
Ways to tell youre sane:
You can count backwards from 2.
You know who the President was supposed to be.
You know the date, the time, and the place, where you first had sex involving someone else.
Youre pretty sure that killing has nothing to do with peace.
When you look in a mirror, you understand perfectly well who the idiot is staring back at you.
Go see a psychiatrist. If you understand what they say, youre in trouble.
Hold two fingers up. Now, poke yourself in the eyes. If you followed these instructions, youre probably not sane. If you poked someone else, youre ok.
If you see things that arent there, dont panic. Apply for a job with the Bush administration.
The election is in full gear. I sure hope the winner wins this time. When the loser wins, it really confuses me.
Five proven truths from the left:
1. Playing in left field is not for the timid. With characters like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, and OReilly spreading bull all over the place, one needs to watch their step. You dont want to pick up any of that stink.
2. Never in one day take more than ten turns to the right. This applies to walking, driving, and interpreting the Bible.
3. If you intend on ruling the world, learn to speak. Its tough carrying a teleprompter around everywhere.
4. They say the left are nothing but whinny little whinnies. I say that could be true. We handed them the last election with nary a whimper.
5. It is much better to have leftovers than rightovers.
So here we go again. To all of you out there who have been loyal readers over the last nine years, my apologies. To all those who chose not to read this column, screw you. I hope you get globalized.