LEAVE IT TO PEEVER
The 8th Anniversary Edition
The Peeves just continue to mount. The way things are going, I could write a daily column. Peeves, peeves, peeves. Everywhere you look, theres another peeve. Ive been so peeved off lately, Ill probably end up in one of Ashcrofts detention camps for the severely pissed off. In eight years Ive managed to peeve off just about everyone. You have to admit, Im pretty good at it.
So, in the spirit of reconciliation, if Ive peeved you off in the past, Im sorry. Lets let bygones be bygones. In the future Oh, forget it. Idiots are idiots. Morons are morons. If youre screwing up, Leave It To Peever to remind you of one of lifes more significant lessons: It is far better to have tried and failed, than to have never tried at all, so long as the Peevers not around.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement. I could never have done it without you.
Bumper sticker of the week: WWIII begins with Dubya.
Ten reasons why I write the Peeves:
1. I dont have anything else to do.
2. It helps control my homicidal urges.
3. Its either this or Zeller, and Zeller is closed.
4. I dont really like making people upset, but I cant say I really dislike it.
5. I have to keep practicing. I was once diagnosed with peevaphobia the fear of peeving. I dont want that horrible affliction to return.
6. If I wouldnt do this, someone else would. Why let them have all the fun?
7. Its a better job than emptying septic tanks, although not a whole lot better. Or a whole lot different.
8. I love getting all the e-mail. Some of it even rises to the intellectual level of a baboon.
9. In the scheme of things, theres not much more important than pointing out the utterly stupid and idiotic things that we humans can come up with.
10. In the end, I do it to validate my existence: I peeve, therefore I am.
Back from a quick trip to Vegas. What a town! Its surreal. The buildings are incredible. The Bellagio, New YorkNew York, The Venetian, Mandalay Bay. We stayed at The Paris, complete with a replica of the Eiffel Tower. You talk about fancy. I was afraid to eat the pastries, they looked like works of art. The Paris has one of the best buffets in town. I suggested to the manager that they change the name of their French fries to Quails potatos. and their hot wings to Bushs Bombers. They liked the suggestions. They asked me to come up with another name for French toast. Im thinking along the lines of Ashcrofts Egghead Bread.
Ten reasons why turning 55 aint all that bad:
1. It sure beats dying at 52.
2. I get to celebrate having been a member of AARP for 5 years.
3. Fifty-five is probably better than 85.
4. Youre getting too old to worry about impressing anyone.
5. If you still have a job, youre probably the boss.
6. Only 7 years to early retirement.
7. Your eyes my be bleary, your hair getting thin, your teeth falling out, but by God, you can still remember the date they started selling Viagra.
8. It takes until about age 55 to start appreciating brussels sprouts.
9. People start expecting less from you at age 55. Except for your wife. She expects you to stay awake until at least 8.
10. Even with the inevitable decline of bodily functioning, I think Ill like 56 even more than 55.
Thats eight years. Dont you just love it?