­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Our national health care plan: Don't get sick.

­­ Quotes of the week: ''Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.'' --Lily Tomlin.

''Start every day off with a smile and get it out of the way.'' --W.C. Fields.

­­ I never have liked clowns. I think it all started when I went to the circus as a young fellow and saw one shoot the neighbor kid.

­­ Have you ever been able to make sense out of nonsense? It's a terrifying moment.

­­ I got into a full court basketball game the other day. I ran up and down the court about ten times. I still say uncontrolled urination should not be enough to have someone thrown out of the Y.

­­ The agony of it all:

-- I love to bag all the dead flowers and stems I've got laying around. You know, the one's that would burn in 30 seconds, kind of like prairie grass. I try to stomp them into the bag to get more in, and the bag splits. I figure I could duct tape the bag, but the tape is not safe to burn, which is what they're going to do with all this crap anyway.--

I got my census form. The nerve of them. Asking me if I have any unusual identifying marks on my body. I'd like to show them where that dog bit me.--

I took some Zephyrs down to the new $300,000 welcome center to give away free to visitors. The lady behind the counter broke out in a sweat. I couldn't tell if it was from my offer or the humidity in the building.--

I feel much safer now that we have a $625,000 ladder truck in town. It's going to look good in all the parades.--

The Illinois legislature once again does nothing in Springfield. Well, they did give themselves a raise. Not doing nothing for ten years deserves something.--

The last time I heard, Gov. Ryan's ''Rebuild Illinois'' program moved to Cuba.--

I see Pat Robertson restored his clergy status in the Southern Baptist church after having quit in 1988. There's a bad break for God.

­­ Oxymorons:--

Diet ice cream--

Friendly fire--

Republican party--

Military intelligence--

Sanitary landfill--

I was glad Sen. Carl Hawkinson won his party's nomination for the Supreme Court seat made available by Judge James Heiple, would wisely decided not to embarrass himself any further. I always thought Carl would look good in a robe. Good luck.--

It appears Rep. Don Moffitt will be unopposed in November. He has worked hard at the position and has some surprisingly good votes. All things being equal, I think he has done an overall good job for the district.--

I hate daylight savings time. For one, I lost an hour's sleep which has thrown off my entire life, and two, now I have to go to bed while it's still daylight.--

To start the city council meeting at 7pm or not. That is the question. This is a group, if you added up all the brain cells present, you'd come up to five or six. Once again, the mayor fails to take a leadership role. Starting at 7:30 is a tradition. So was hanging people on the town square at one time. The County Board had a tradition of meeting at 9am, when the good old boys were sure no citizens could attend. We changed it. So much for tradition. And blue collar workers couldn't make it to a meeting by 7? I suppose not if they would go by way of Iowa City. This group needs to do themselves a favor and start taking some ginseng. Regularly.

­­ I don't blame George W. for not wanting to answer these census questions:--

How much money have you begged from your daddy's buddies?--

Were you ever hospitalized for paranoia?--

Who would you rather be, George W. Bush or anyone else?--

Would you rather be born with a silver spoon in your mouth or have to work for a living?--

Did you really use drugs or are you just trying to act ordinary?

As for as I'm concerned, there's clearly a political agenda behind these questions.

­­ Gore goofs. He thinks young Elian Gonzalez should stay in America. In his first break from the administration, he demonstrates that he hasn't learned any political skills from Clinton in eight years. He no sooner got the words out of his wife's mouth and a poll showed 57 percent of Americans believe Elian should be returned to Cuba. Maybe Gore should be sent to Cuba in his place. He could become Minister of Stupidity.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online April 11, 2000

Back to The Zephyr