Leave It To Peever

This is the peeves' sixth anniversary edition, destined to become a collectors item.

It's been six years for The Peeves. I can't say that I've enjoyed every minute of it, but it's pretty much been ok. More people are calling me The Peever than they are using my birth name, Dorothy. I suppose that's good. The question I am most frequently asked is ''What are The Peeves all about?'' Wouldn't you like to know. Actually, so would I. There are no deep, hidden philosophical, psychological, or mythological meanings. I just love to peeve you. Thank you for reading the column and sharing your thoughts. For those of you who don't agree with what I have to say, you can quit writing and e-mailing me. I just throw the crap away. For the rest of you -- God bless you.

­­ For your fears:--

Moronophobia: Fear of dummies.--

Buggerphobia: Fear of the buggerman.--

Stovedupaphobia: Fear of constipation.--

Illinoispoweraphobia: Fear of half-trees.--

Upchuckaphobia: Fear of vomiting.--

Takeyourmoneyaphobia: Fear of hospitals.--

Oldruggedcrossaphobia: Fear of right-wing Christian soldiers.--

Phobiaphobia: Fear of phobias.

­­ Bruces' little tidbits of philosophy:--

I got these truisms from Mt. Whatchamacallit.--

We're all made of meat.--

Twinkies are sometimes better for you than praying.--

Gay does not always mean happy.--

Never hire a surgeon named Bubba.--

Our 51st state will probably be an altered state.--

China doesn't scare me. I love rice.

­­ The long and winding road: Eat right. That's one of the themes that resonates in my being since I had a heart attack in June. Trying to figure out what that means can be a pain. Don't eat eggs, meat, fatty products, sweets. No milk, no chocolate. Stay away from cheese. No fried food, salty food, or dog food. So what's a guy to eat? One day you read a report that eggs are bad for you, the next day the headlines read, ''Eggs. An egg a day keeps the doctors away.'' Milk is good for you, then it's bad, then it's maybe ok. Margarine is better for you than butter. No wait a minute, maybe not. Olive oil or canola oil? Peanuts or cashews? White bread, wheat bread, whole-grain bread, or no bread? Tomato sauce will help you out, we think. The one thing I definitely need is a cure for a headache. Back before all this high-tech, super-duper research, it was all so simple. You were suppose to eat a balanced, wholesome meal, utilizing the fancy chart in the book showing the food groups, three times per day. Sit down, relax, talk to one another, and use what you are stuffing into your mouth to benefit your life, not end it. Now we have 1,815,245 diet plans and periodic pronouncements of such miracle health foods being discovered as tomatoes, broccoli, garlic, and oranges, all of which will help you live to be 135. The fact of the matter is, we have always known how to eat healthy, but we have been talked out of it by the fast food industry. Let's face it, we're lazy. We want straight roads, not winding ones. We love expressways.

­­ What we need from politicians: We need them to pay attention to what we say, not what they think.

­­ For the Congress to pass any type of meaningful campaign finance reform, one of two things will need to happen: 1. All the members would need to be declared legally incompetent to handle cash, or, 2. It would need to be made illegal for anyone to purchase another human being with an IQ under 50. Then, and only then, will we get any relief from this wholesale buying of our legislators by mega-corporations.

­­ On the trail of the naked dancing lama. Bare minimum truths:--

Nakedness has nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with wool.--

When you see one naked body, you may or may not want to see any more.--

Clothes do not necessarily make a man or cover a woman.--

I choose to confront the world naked. That way, I can't be fooled.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online April 17, 2001

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