LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

 

It takes a village

 

— Bumper sticker of the week: I’ve read about the evils of drinking, so I gave up reading.

— Quote of the week: “I find it very difficult to ask God for things in the way that I was taught as a child. Do I believe God is going to take away my illness when He turned an entirely deaf ear to the 6 million Jews who went into the gas chambers?”  Karen Armstrong

 “Sometimes I think that just not thinking of oneself is a form of prayer.”  Barb Harrison

— Little known facts:

     • 1 in 4 people are not sure whether they are male or female.

     • It is possible to wear two right-footed shoes and still be left-handed.

     • The price of gas goes up when the price of anything else goes up.

     • Women are smarter than men, which isn’t saying much.

     • Half of your life you spend wondering what happened to the other half.

     • In Arkansas, you’re considered really smart if you can read.

— It takes a village: Every town has a village idiot. Maybe two or three. Galesburg is no exception. A lot of time the village drunk is mistaken for the village idiot. This is not appropriate. The village idiot doesn’t need booze to be an idiot. It comes naturally. It can be cultivated in some people, but it takes a lot of work and time. Some people can, however, become idiots rather than be born with the talent. Every village needs an idiot. Otherwise, the normal people wouldn’t know they were normal. My latest book is, “It Takes a Village to Raise a Village Idiot.” If this offends you because you happen to be the village idiot, suck it up and run for office. Every other village idiot has.

— I recently had my 59th birthday. When you almost die, you love having birthdays. I’ve had seven since my near death. And I learned a lot from that experience. Number 1: Don’t eat two Whoppers in one sitting. Number 2: Eat a piece of pie, not the whole pie. And number 3: Don’t save leftovers for tomorrow.

— Ongoing Peever boycotts:

     • Wal-Mart: Too big, too mean, too cheap to pay employees a living wage. Anti-union. And they have their own police force.  Try Target.

     • McDonald’s: The food is full of calories. If you eat there very often, don’t bitch about the knee replacement you’ll eventually need.

     • Monsanto: Join a cult instead. That way you’ll end up poisoning yourself instead of others.

     • Home Depot: They recently fired 3500 employees and offered to hire them back, for less money. Try Menard’s, or Lowe’s.

     • Talk radio: Most of it is trash. Try gardening. Or shop-lifting.

     • TV: Most of it is trash. Try shop-lifting. Or gardening.

— Personal growth issues:

     • The more you think about yourself, the less time you have to worry about others.

     • A scapegoat is always a good solution.

     • If wisdom comes with age, why are people laughing at me so much?

     • “Do unto others” is a little misleading. Do what?

     • If you’re wronged by others, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not near as gratifying.