The condom — Our new national symbol


— Bumper sticker of the week: Tongue pierthing ith thtupid.

— Quote of the week: ÒI never thought IÕd miss Nixon or Reagan.Ó The Peever

— One of the most common questions asked of me as a family therapist is: ÒHow can I make my children behave?Ó My answer over the years has become: ÒGive them away.Ó

— Mayorship changes hands: I hope we havenÕt traded a converted good-old-boy for a true to life good-old-boy? I have always thought that a Democrat trying to act like a Republican is a losing proposition. Why not just go with the real thing? Anyway, IÕm going to give Mr. Smith a chance. He will soon learn that there is more to being mayor than just jobs, jobs, jobs. There are also potholes, potholes, potholes, and crows, crows, crows. The first thing I would recommend that he do is appoint an advisory committee, a think-tank, to explore new, creative, innovative ideas for the city. A committee that wouldnÕt be burdened down with the mundane day to day problems that a mayor and council need to deal with. This think-tank should include none of the people who have been thinking for us over the last 20 years or so. We need new blood and fresh ideas. Otherwise, Galesburg is likely to become a model city for extinction.

— And I would retire the city manager early.

— Dear Americans: The Iraq war continues. People are dying daily. The Iraqi people tell us they are no happier now than they were, despite what you see on corporate TV. This is a war started and being continued over a lie. That lie is much deeper than just the presence or absence of weapons of mass destruction. It is a lie wound around a misguided and perverted concept of democracy and globalization. It is a lie that will bankrupt us morally, spiritually, and economically, while we are being told that preemptive war is necessary for world peace, the spread of democracy, and our safety and freedom. But there is one universal truth that contradicts their madness: You cannot achieve right while doing wrong, or produce goodness while doing evil. It has never worked from the beginning of time. It wonÕt work now.

— Illegal immigrants: A complex problem, those illegal immigrants. A simply stupid solution: Require passports from Canada and Mexico. Even I could think of a dumber solution, but IÕd have to really work at it. This is a typical, throw us off the main point solution that the Bush administration is becoming famous for. Number one, there are not a lot of Canadians flowing over our northern border. They arenÕt that dumb. They enjoy as high a quality of life as we do, if not higher. For Mexico, itÕs obviously a different story. In much of Mexico, you canÕt earn any money. Period. There are no jobs. They come to the U.S., take jobs we are for the most part unwilling to do, earn $150-$200 per week, get no benefits, no health insurance, but still make 100% more than they can in Mexico. Ends up they are filling a vital need in AmericaÕs struggle to compete in the world marketplace: They are providing us with cheap labor, a vital ingredient for capitalism to flourish. Unfortunately for America and the illegal immigrants, cheap labor in America, because of our high cost of living, only produces more and more working poor, which translates into a net loss for all of us. In India, China, Indonesia, South America, a $150-$200 job means upward mobility, a chance to better oneÕs life, opportunity to move into the middle class. For the Bush administration, illegal immigrants are a commodity that Bush World cannot survive without. HeÕs not about to correct the problem.

— Someone e-mailed this to me for my birthday. ItÕs a good one: ÒI think we should recommend changing our national symbol from an eagle to a condom to more accurately reflect the governmentÕs current political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch a pricks, and gives you a sense of security while youÕre actually being screwed.Ó I forwarded the message to our Senators and Congressmen. You canÕt sum the whole mess up much better than that.