­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Christ Was Poor.

­­ Quote of the week: ''It's always safer for your soul to be arrested for protest outside the White House than to be invited in for breakfast.'' Jim Wallis, Faith Works

­­Golfing Alone:--

My scores always improve.--

I've had three hole-in-ones. Witnesses remain anonymous, due to Weik's witness protection program.--

I would never have thought I could drive a ball 445 yards.--

What do you call a two on a par five? I've had several.--

This game is not nearly as hard as they say. I always have a good lie, right in the middle of the fairway.--

They say to visualize every shot. So as not to disappoint myself, I always make sure the ball ends up where I saw it. Sometimes this requires a technique the PGA would not approve of.--

I always seem to get on the green in regulation.--

Putting is simple. I one putt every green. Sometimes I don't even putt and I make it.--

For some reason, I never play quite as good when I'm with someone. Probably nerves.--

The key to a low golf score is not the equipment, the brand of balls, the amount of practice, or even the level of skill one may possess. It's playing alone.

­­ Some new governmental departments I would propose:--

The Bureau of Measuring Intelligence: These people would measure the level of intelligence in all politicians, everywhere. It would be a tough job, but somebody has to do it.--

The Bureau of Missing Links: These individuals would be responsible for determining which came first, right-wing Christian politicians, or primordial ooze.--

The Department of Taking Care of the Rich: These folks would see to it that the rich got their fair share of the government till. These would be easy jobs that you would want to give to relatives.--

The Department of Bitching. Griping and Otherwise Carrying On: This department will be given the job of listening to anyone who prefers to complain about life rather than getting off their butt and doing something productive to improve it. In addition to battle pay being given to these employees, they will also be given the right to execute.--

The Bureau of Making Sure Everyone Behaves Themselves: This Bureau will be made up of existing thugs, bullies, and paramilitary types who are already in the government's employ. Their mission will be to insure that no one be allowed to demonstrate against any ideas, policies, laws, or miscellaneous other nonsense that those in power make up.--

The Department of Executions: With the recent popularity of killing those who kill others, it is clear we need an agency to help smooth out some of the rough edges. Someone needs to keep count of the bodies, make sure all the death equipment remains on the cutting edge of technology, and finishes the paperwork in such a way as to insure that the person executed will look guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, whether they were or not.--

The Department of Misinformation: This would actually formalize a process that is already in existence. Rather than the Pentagon, or the FBI, or the President's Press Secretary all individually making up stuff to keep us misinformed and baffled, this department would do the dirty work for all of them. Creativity and the ability to beat a lie detector test would be required.

­­ Five universal truths:--

When buying a new or used car, you're going to get screwed.--

If you're trying to avoid someone, they'll show up everywhere.--

Someone will be watching you when you pick your nose.--

Politicians are poor losers.--

Justice always prevails, so long as you can pay for it.

­­ Anything TV can do I can do better:--

Who Wants to Be a Gizillionaire?--

Judge Weik's Pervert and Prostitute Court.--

61 Minutes.--

Everybody Loves The Peever.--

NYPD Blues, Booze, Bodies, and Tattoos.--

48 1/2 Hours.--

Chicago Dope.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online May 3, 2000

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