LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

The Fleecing of America

— Bumper sticker of the week: The trouble with political jokes is how often they get elected.

— City council in the news: The mayor shows his real stuff. Is he the real deal? “Shut up and listen.” I wonder if he runs his company that way? I guess there’s not much anyone could do about that. He would have a right. In the council chambers, he don’t. He works for us. He’d better find himself some patience, or he’ll become another of a long line of problems needing fixing in Galesburg.

— Prediction: How low will Bush go? You heard it here first. Before his popularity gets down to 20%, which would be the lowest ever recorded, there will be some kind of disaster. Any of the following may be possibilities:

• Sen. Hillary Clinton will be kidnapped. Monica Lewinski’s name will come up, along with Trent Lott and Tom DeLay.

• We will attack Iran for having weapons of mass destruction, although we already fell for this once.

• Every kid from the age of 17-25 will suddenly come up missing. Right-wingers will look to blame Pontius Pilate, while a sudden surge in eligible soldiers will go unnoticed.

• A tsunami will hit Chicago. Scientists will proclaim this to be impossible, but Carl Rove will show in the Bible that it is indeed possible.

• Homosexuality will be declared a communicable disease. Bush and Cheney will have words over this, but they will later be seen holding hands in the Rose Garden.

• The day Bush’s popularity hits 20%, he will announce he is going to run for a 3rd term. While clearly illegal (of course, so is starting a war with a lie, spying on Americans, and stealing an election), he will quickly persuade the Supreme Court that if he were not allowed to run, the world would end. While seemingly unlikely, five of them will be convinced when Bush addresses them and it is mistakenly thought that he is speaking in tongues.

— Fox News takes over the White House: Finally, Bush does something honest — he lets Fox News take over the White House, rather than pretending that they are neutral. Tony Snow takes over as press secretary. The only time Snow has disagreed with Bush is when he has not been right-wing enough. This should really be good.

— Exxon-Mobil fleeces America: Demonstrating the finest virtues of capitalism, Exxon-Mobil made operating profits of $36.13 billion in 2005, and reports $8.4 billion in the first quarter this year. Exxon catches the money going upstream and down, being involved in exploration, to refining the oil, to pumping the gas. The higher the price, the bigger the profit. Now they are being chastised for taking capitalism to its ultimate conclusion, screwing everyone, in every way, all the time, for every buck they have. You would think the government would be honoring them for being the best in the world at demonstrating what our economic system could do for you. BOYCOTT EXXON-MOBIL.

— Bush heads towards becoming the worst President in our history: The bad thing is, he probably thinks that’s good:

• Compassionate conservatism: That was a good one.

• Leaked the name of an undercover CIA agent to avenge her husband's disloyalty.

• Based an invasion of a foreign country on a lie.

• Slept through Hurricane Katrina.

• Had Americans spied on illegally.

• Presides over the largest deficit in our country's history.

• Continues to make-believe we are winning a war we are losing.

• Has let Washington become a den of inequity. From Dick Cheney to Scooter Libby to Larry Franklin to Jack Abramoff to Tom Delay to Senator Frist to David Safavian, one slime-bag surfaces after another.

• Bush is taking his rightful place among some of America's worst, including Herbert Hoover, Andrew Johnson, James Buchanan, and Richard Nixon. Frankly, I think he’s got what it takes.