­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Help Liberate Librarians. Quit Reading.

­­ Quote of the week: ''If a person is living out his destiny, he knows everything he needs to know. There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible: the fear of failure.'' The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho.

­­Spirit of Despair:--

Nothing goes right for me.--

Everyone is against me.--

You cannot trust anyone.--

My life is one disaster after another.--

Woe is me.

­­ Requirements to live in a gated community:--

You got to have money. Lots of money. So much money you don't care if you pay $275,000 for a $150,000 house.--

You have to despise diversity and love sameness.--

It helps to be white.--

You have to be fearful of just about everything.--

It helps if you're a Republican.

­­ We need people to run for the Knox County Board. Some requirements:--

That you live in Knox County.--

That you can count from 25 backwards to 1.--

That you can stay awake for up to 3 hours at a time, at a minimum of once per month.--

That you can say yes or no. No other verbal skills are required.--

You need at times to be able to think. This eliminates most people from consideration. On the other hand, some of us clearly fake it.

­­ The Joy of Gardening:--

I can grow anything better than you.--

Creeping Charlie is really kind of pretty.--

Rabbits never eat weeds.--

How was I suppose to know anchovies wasn't a vegetable?--

I like those $40 rocks that you can buy for your garden. They engrave them with words like joy, love, peace, welcome. I just magic marked a few of my own. I went with ''die rabbits,'' ''grow you stupid vegetables,'' and ''stay out of my garden.'' Somehow seems more practical.

­­ Name that Restaurant:--

Tabascos: Home of the original hot lunch.--

Leaping Lizards: This place is really jumping.--

Italian Winos: The finest wines, served with a side order of food.--

Down-home Billies: Dine with undesirables. The food ain't half as bad as the help.--

Crazy Mary's: Famous for psychosis producing sauces.--

Fast Freddy's Feline Delights: Prrfectly delicious.--

The Meat Market: For carnivores only. Doubles as a singles bar.

­­ Here's one for you history buffs out there. Were the founders of Galesburg:

1. Rich homosexuals from New York.

2. Fur trading commies from Russia.

3. Religious crazed Muslims from Iran.

4. Lost Swedes.

5. All of the above.

­­ From the DSM-IV. Maladies of the mind:--

CommunicatiOn disorder: Many ministers have this. Most doctors are afflicted. All

politicians have been diagnosed with this disorder.--

Mathematics disorder: One plus one equals three.--

Shared psychotic disorder: At least you're not stingy.--

Disorder of Written Expression: Don't be pointing fingers.--

Religious or Spiritual problem: Sorry all you right-wing Christian soldiers.

­­ Rush Limbaugh announcing football for ABC? I definitely see him more as a WWF announcer. He'd fit right in with that circus. All talk and no brains.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online May 9, 2000

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