Galesburg needs some help


— Bumper sticker of the week: "There ought to be limits to freedom." George W. Bush

— Quote of the week: "If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush’s head." Jim Hightower

— The Patriot Act: Bush’s answer for a safer, more secure America. Fronted by John Ashcroft, U.S. Attorney General, the Patriot Act is a fascist designed, paranoid induced, law designed to limit our freedoms in the name of all that is good and righteous. It was sold to Congress and the American people immediately after 9/11, at a time when fear and insecurities were at an all-time high. The administration saw it as an opportunity, capitalizing on fear in order to move forward their right-wing ideology. They proved the old adage: It’s better to do nothing than something stupid. If you’ve ever bothered to read it, you would swear Hitler has risen from the dead. Now Bush is pushing for even greater authority and discretion in dealing with suspected enemies of the state. People can be taken to jail and held indefinitely, with no charges being brought against them; they are not allowed to see an attorney. There has even been talk of torture. All in the name of 9/11. As expected, the "enemy" designation has spilled over into anyone voicing criticism and/or questioning this administration’s motives. In classic fascist form, the administration has made it possible to squelch dissent in the name of fear and security and nationalism. The Patriot Act should be sent to the Hitler archives as an example of how evil can rear its ugly head, even in a so-called democracy.

— Ten twisted truths:

• That capitalism is good, or even compatible, with democracy.

• That the Garden of Eden is a real backyard garden someplace.

• That a blow job is worse than a snow job.

• That you can win an election with fewer votes than your opponent.

• That killing someone represents something noble.

• That the government knows what’s best for us.

• That the company will take care of its employees.

• That sending jobs away helps those that stay.

• That a flag is worth dying for.

• That judges can make judgements without regard to religious belief or political ideology.

— Ten ways Galesburg could prosper:

1. We could call Galesburg Bloomington. I don’t think calling us Normal would work.

2. We could float a riverboat on Lake Storey. We could call it The Storey’s Over.

3. How about a factory that makes refrigerators?

4. A clown training school might go over big. The graduates would be eligible to run for city council.

5. We could store radioactive waste. We could call ourselves "Galesburg on the Glow."

6. How about an old folks strip club called Saggies?

7. We could raise hemp and reopen the many factories that once existed between here and Madison, Wisconsin. We could call the operation "Rope a Dope."

8. How about selling Cedar Fork as a mineral spring? We could bottle the water and call it "Holy Crap."

9. We could legalize prostitution. Seeing we’re always getting screwed anyway, we might as well get paid for it.

10. How about instead of a Drug Free Town, we become a Free Drug Town?

— We’re mad as hell and we ain’t going to take it anymore:

• Cops cuss at citizens and we don’t get any apologies.

• Homes are assessed way too high for a dying town. If you get a second opinion, it can come back thousands of dollars less than the city assessment.

• Privacy fences should be 6’ tall. No, 6 1/2’ tall. You should be able to see thru them. No, you shouldn’t be able to see thru them. Crappy’s is waiting for the word. Apparently, so is city hall.

• Nothing should be within 17’ of the road. Or is that 10’? Swedoughs set up a patio for cookouts 2 years ago. Now it is illegal. Apparently it was ok last year. Gee, it’s hard to keep up.

• Keep your yard tidy and clean. This, according to Neighborhood Watch. In the meantime, they’re stealing ATM machines out of Mobil on Fremont and Seminary. Who was watching for that?

— Here’s some additional suggestions for city hall:

• No cars may drive on the streets. The sidewalks are too close. And no parking in front of flower beds.

• The following should be exceptions to the open burning ordinance: Burning should be allowed on Palm Sunday. Additional exemptions: Effigies of the city administration and city council can be burned on the square on Saturdays, from 6pm-9pm. And empty homes that the owners can’t sell due to all of Galesburg’s idiotic rules can be burned on Mondays from 9am-Spm.

• No building new homes. Hurts our reputation. (This may already be in force.)

• No trains should be allowed to block streets for longer than 30 seconds. And any train blowing its horn between the hours of 11pm-6am will be destroyed, along with the crew.

• The city administration and city council should meet in private from now on. I’m thinking maybe somewhere in Iraq.