Things not to say during sex:--
This is more complicated than I thought.--
Do you accept VISA?--
What was your name again?--
Maybe we should turn off the lights?--
Do you know much about sexually transmitted diseases?
A day in the life of a farmer:--
Breakfast at local cafe. Bitch about the weather.--
Buy a newspaper.--
Go to the bathroom.--
Drop off wife at real job.--
Coffee break. Bitch about grain prices.--
Drop by post office. Bitch about the government running anything.--
Lunch. Bitch about welfare recipients having it so good.--
Listen to farm report on the radio.--
Check on hired hand.--
Fix lawnmower so wife can mow lawn when she gets home.--
Nap.--
Pick up wife from real job.--
Talk to wife about the lawn needing to be mowed while she's fixing supper.--
Supper.--
Watch some TV.--
To bed after a hard day's work.
Why women should chose a vibrator over a man:--
A vibrator has a guarantee.--
Vibrators last longer.--
Vibrators don't talk back.--
A good vibrator don't whine.--
Vibrators don't make excuses.--
You don't have to feed and clothe a vibrator.--
Vibrators come in specific lengths. No fantasy is involved.
A quiz for parents who are concerned about their children, their whereabouts and what they are doing:--
Have you asked your child about their friends? Friends will lead your child astray. Your child would never have done that had it not been for those miserable friends.--
Have you talked to your kid about drugs? Have you talked to your kid about anything? Do you remember you have a kid?--
Do you know where your child hangs out? Your kid's favorite movie, book, musical group? Who does your child hold up as a role model? If the name Marilyn Manson comes up, brace yourself for trouble.--
Children will be children. They are very inquisitive. However, if your child has an interest in guns and bombs, do not take this as a good sign.--
If your child is doing well in school, pull them out and home school them. Why should they end up any smarter than you?--
If your child leaves home and does not return, call the authorities. If they are over 18, throw a party.--
Knowing where your child is every second is not near as important as remembering their names. This becomes important when the police call.
You know you're a redneck if:--
You have more cars that don't run than do.--
Your trailer is your castle.--
A six-pack and a fishing pole are more important to you than a job.--
You meet Mr./Mrs. Right at your family reunion.--
You have brothers named Bubba and Junior.--
One day you find yourself Up Against The Wall.
Inspirational messages from the Naked Dancing Lama:--
Sleeping is better than sex. At least you don't feel guilty about doing it alone.--
Silence does not always need to be filled.--
They say clothes makes the man. I say clothes allow him to hide behind lies.--
Be careful whose toes you step on. They may be connected to the butt you have to kiss tomorrow.--
The higher you travel up the road to financial success, the further you get away from
yourself.