Leave It To Peever

­­ Bumper sticker of the week: How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks.

­­ Things not to say during sex:--

This is more complicated than I thought.--

Do you accept VISA?--

What was your name again?--

Maybe we should turn off the lights?--

Do you know much about sexually transmitted diseases?

­­ A day in the life of a farmer:--

Breakfast at local cafe. Bitch about the weather.--

Buy a newspaper.--

Go to the bathroom.--

Drop off wife at real job.--

Coffee break. Bitch about grain prices.--

Drop by post office. Bitch about the government running anything.--

Lunch. Bitch about welfare recipients having it so good.--

Listen to farm report on the radio.--

Check on hired hand.--

Fix lawnmower so wife can mow lawn when she gets home.--


Pick up wife from real job.--

Talk to wife about the lawn needing to be mowed while she's fixing supper.--


Watch some TV.--

To bed after a hard day's work.

­­ Why women should chose a vibrator over a man:--

A vibrator has a guarantee.--

Vibrators last longer.--

Vibrators don't talk back.--

A good vibrator don't whine.--

Vibrators don't make excuses.--

You don't have to feed and clothe a vibrator.--

Vibrators come in specific lengths. No fantasy is involved.

­­ A quiz for parents who are concerned about their children, their whereabouts and what they are doing:--

Have you asked your child about their friends? Friends will lead your child astray. Your child would never have done that had it not been for those miserable friends.--

Have you talked to your kid about drugs? Have you talked to your kid about anything? Do you remember you have a kid?--

Do you know where your child hangs out? Your kid's favorite movie, book, musical group? Who does your child hold up as a role model? If the name Marilyn Manson comes up, brace yourself for trouble.--

Children will be children. They are very inquisitive. However, if your child has an interest in guns and bombs, do not take this as a good sign.--

If your child is doing well in school, pull them out and home school them. Why should they end up any smarter than you?--

If your child leaves home and does not return, call the authorities. If they are over 18, throw a party.--

Knowing where your child is every second is not near as important as remembering their names. This becomes important when the police call.

­­ You know you're a redneck if:--

You have more cars that don't run than do.--

Your trailer is your castle.--

A six-pack and a fishing pole are more important to you than a job.--

You meet Mr./Mrs. Right at your family reunion.--

You have brothers named Bubba and Junior.--

One day you find yourself Up Against The Wall.

­­ Inspirational messages from the Naked Dancing Lama:--

Sleeping is better than sex. At least you don't feel guilty about doing it alone.--

Silence does not always need to be filled.--

They say clothes makes the man. I say clothes allow him to hide behind lies.--

Be careful whose toes you step on. They may be connected to the butt you have to kiss tomorrow.--

The higher you travel up the road to financial success, the further you get away from


Uploaded to The Zephyr Online May 15, 2001

Back to The Zephyr