'Leave It To Peever

­­ Bumper sticker of the week: All men are idiots -- I married their king.

­­ Quote of the week: ''I should have told the truth when he'd first asked; should have blurted out that I suffered; that I was often frustrated and angry; that slavery and its legacy of racism had taken their tolls on me; that I had come seeking help in coping with feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and shame. I should have told him that I felt a certain kinship with the Tibetans because they, too, had suffered a great historical trauma and yet seemed able to cope very well and, indeed, to be quite joyful. And I should have told him that I also felt a special and unique kinship with him in particular, though we had only just met, because from the very first moment I heard his name, I had somehow known that he was to be my teacher.'' Dreaming Me, Jan Willis

­­ Signs you're developing a drinking problem:--

You can't remember which sex you are.--

The toilet seat keeps hitting you in the head.--

George W. begins making sense to you.--

Your mail starts arriving at your favorite bar.--

Your favorite beer is any.--

You wake up in the morning and wonder who the person is sleeping next to you.--

All your friends are bar friends.

­­ The Peever's advice to consumers: The level of service in this country just about matches the President's level of intelligence -- zero. Once someone sells you something, rents you an apartment, or otherwise pawns something off on you, they collect the cash or payments and forget you. Peever's Law #5 states if this should happen to you, meet incompetence with incompetence. They can't manage to fix it, service it, or otherwise make it right, you should respond by not being able to pay them. If everyone did this, it would work. Unfortunately, Peever's Law #1 seems to take precedence: The consumer is infinitely stupid.

­­ Ten signs of depression:

I. You haven't gotten out of bed for a month and a half.

2. Taking a bath or a shower is no longer on your list.

3. The only person you smile at is the pharmacist.

4. Winning the lotto would only make you worry more about what you were going to do with all that money.

5. Sunshine makes you cry.

6. You feel sorry for people who are happy.

7. Sleep is better than sex.

8. The only thing you get dressed up for is a psychiatric appointment.

9. Choosing between a toothache and a party would be no-contest.

10. You're not sure who is president: Bush or Cheney. Either way, you're depressed.

­­ The Tale of the Naked Dancing Lama: One day, many moons ago, a missionary came to our land and converted our people. Because I was a great dancer and usually ran around naked, they gave me the name Tom Smith and put clothes on me and said not to dance anymore. They said this was the moral and righteous thing to do. So I bought fancy clothes, got a job from 9-5, and began attending church on Sunday mornings. I did this for many years. On my death bed, someone asked me about my beliefs and where I wanted to be buried. I told them to ask the missionary. He seems to know what is best for me.

­­ Capital punishment: Timothy McVeigh's execution gets put off due to a slight problem with the concealing of evidence by the FBI. They're hoping we thing it was a terrible mistake. Yea, and I'm hoping Gore still wins the election. They say he has admitted he is guilty, what more do you want? To begin with, how about a fair trial? It's obvious they wanted a conviction real bad. A little evidence left out wasn't going to make much difference anyway. And why not put the execution on TV? Afterward, we could all throw a big party. Kind of like a super-bowl party. We could celebrate America's favorite pastime: seeking revenge. Some of the surviving victims and relatives of victims who were killed think revenge will help ease their pain and loss. I wish it would but I know it won't.

­­ Tax-dodgers: Pepsico, Pfizer, J.P. Morgan, Goodyear, Ryder Trucks, GM, Colgate Palmolive, MCI. Not only are they tax-dodgers, they were all part of a $3.2 billion dollar corporate rebate scam, devised by clever lawyers and lobbyists who riddled the tax code with so many holes it could qualify for swiss cheese. I don't know about you, but I'm proud to pay my tax money to these fine, upstanding capitalist monstrosities. I call it a damn good investment. Of course, I also thought buying gold at $500 an ounce was smart.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online May 22, 2001

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