LEAVE IT TO PEEVER
To China, with love.
Bumper sticker of the week: If you can read this, youre not the President.
Quote of the week: "Whatever we may do, excess will always keep its place in the heart of man, in the place where solitude is found. We all carry within us our places of exile, our crimes and ravages. But our task is not to unleash them on the world; it is to fight them in ourselves and in others." Albert Camus
Things Id like to see make a comeback:
Charitable organizations. They all want to be for-profit.
Small, family farms.
Politicians with at least a measurable amount of integrity.
Sunday concerts in the park, with a potluck dinner.
The 57 Chevy, with a 283.
The neighborhood grocery store, in place of the neighborhood watch.
Getting a 90 or 180 day note on your signature.
The 50 cent hot-dog.
Bell bottom pants.
Salesmen who have the slightest knowledge about the product theyre selling.
Answering the E-mail:
Dear Peever: I read with delight your April 1st column. You seem like a true racist, fascist, homophobic, right-wing Republican. Keep up the good work. Larry
Dear Larry: April Fools.
Dear Bruce: How did you become so radical? Terri
Dear Terri: My mom dropped me on my head.
Dear Mr. Weik: Why dont you like Wal-Mart? Sam
Dear Sam: I thought you were dead? Anyway, I recently read Bush praised Wal-Mart for being so resilient in hard times. If Bush likes you, I dont.
Dear Peever: Is there anything you do like? Sherri
Dear Sherri: Ice cream.
Mr. Peever: If you were mayor, what would you do? Bob
Dear Bob: Shoot myself.
Dear Bruce: Do you believe in heaven and hell? Leigh
Dear Leigh: I dont believe in the places called heaven or hell. I do believe life can be heavenly or hellish, and youll never guess which category I got right-wing, Republican Christians in?
Dear Mr. Peever: You surely dont support gay marriages, do you? Ken
Dear Ken: Funny you should ask. I dont support anyone getting married.
Swedoughs needs Bozo variance: In blatant disregard of one of Galesburgs more idiotic zoning rules, the BBQ hut at Swedoughs is too close to the street. It is supposed to be 17 feet away. Lord only knows why. Anyway, after two years, it is now illegal. I guess government moves pretty slow. The owner can ask for a Bozo variance. I assume this has something to do with clowning, which somehow seems appropriate.
Dear Chinese People: Please accept with gratitude the delegation from Galesburg that we recently sent you. They have done all that they can for us here in Galesburg. I hope you will find them useful. Sincerely, The Peever