LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

Regrets, I’ve had a few

— Bumper sticker of the week: The Virgin Mary was an unwed teenage mother.

— Quotes of the week: “Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.” Marcel Archard

“I’m recording our history on the bedroom wall. And when we leave the landlord will come and paint over it all.” Ani DiFranco

— Five ways to not look like a tourist:

1. Dress as dumb as the locals.

2. Learn to speak the language. In Arkansas, that’s not easy.

3. Spend time with the locals.

4. Live on the street with the homeless.

5. Don’t go anywhere.

— Number of years Albert Einstein estimated humans could live if all bees died: 4.

— Men don’t think twice about killing people in war or as a result of capital punishment. But when a woman makes a decision to have an abortion, all of a sudden it’s murder and a mortal sin. I think that’s a bunch of crap.

— I can remember sitting along listening to Carole King, Linda Ronstadt, James Taylor, Joni Mitchell. When they sang about love, I could taste it. It was better than one of those Moo Lattes from Dairy Queen.

— How to make the most out of life:

• Try to take the positive things in your life and use them to your advantage. Don’t paint yourself in a corner.

• Sleep at least 6-8 hours per night. It takes your unconscious mind at least that long to straighten you out.

• Put work no higher than 5th on your priority list.

• Do something worthwhile for someone else at least once per day.

• Never hand feed an alligator.

• Read a lot. Fiction, non-fiction, poetry. Give up the dime-store novels. They only clutter up your mind with nonsense.

• Never take the advice of anyone claiming to know “the truth,” or “the way.”

• Give yourself a break. You’re going to make mistakes. The best you can hope for is they won’t be fatal.

— Regrets. I’ve had a few:

• I wanted to be a psychiatrist. I’d have specialized in helping Republicans.

• I drank too much in high school. I think that’s why I can’t remember much of it.

• I regret not having gone to Peoria to see Mother Theresa.

• A don’t see a lot of my old friends. There’s just never enough time. I suppose I’m more sad about that than regretful.

• When I think back about some of the dumb things I’ve done, and how inconsiderate I’ve been at times, I regret not having been a better husband, father, and son.

• Seeing I wasn’t smart enough to be a psychiatrist, I wish I’d have founded Roto-Rooter. I still could have specialized in Republicans.