­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.

­­ Quote of the week: ''If one of the demands for getting into heaven is that you must have followed the Ten Commandments to the letter, it's not going to be very crowded.'' Walking With God, Bruce Weik.

­­ The Peever's Ten Commandments:

1. Never sun-bath in the nude. You might forget to turn the other cheek.

2. Do not look at another man's ox, or his ass. Looking at his wife is normal.

3. Do not expect something for nothing. In other words, don't lie, steal, cheat, or double-talk. Yes, this even holds true for lawyers, politicians, and used car salesmen.

4. Do not join a country club. It's not nice to try to fool God into believing there's only white people.

5. Do not think you are better than any other person. To do so may cause you to spontaneously combust.

6. Do not change your sex. To do so is confusing, for everyone.

7. Do not believe anything that Moses had to say, now that he is running the NRA.

8. Do not idolize other Gods. God hates cheap imitations.

9. Go to church on Sunday and do not work. Remember, golf does not count as work and also counts for church.

10. And finally, never, ever, question my word. I've been to the promised land. Well, maybe it was just Cancun, but still--

­­ The Church of the Almighty Peever:--

Where your donations help me, and I help myself.--

We sacrifice fried chicken every Sunday at noon.--

Rather than bingo, we have slot machines in the lobby.--

A $100 bill in the offering plate entitles you to a night alone with God in the belltower.

Don't be late.--

Potlucks are in. Sermons are out.--

We do hold confessions every Saturday night. Don't pay any attention to the microphones or cameras.--

Anyone is allowed to get married. After all, no one knows who came first, Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve.--

All sermons will be translated into Portuguese for the hearing impaired.--

First born sons will be offered up to the military, for appropriate compensation.--

Singing in the choir is good. Wearing nothing under your robe is bad, but forgivable.--

We use ''The Peever's Words'' as our holy text. The book is available for $50.00. Please, no checks.--

We are a tax-exempt religious organization. Any donations you make can be taken off your taxes. The more you give, the more you get. Pretty soon you'll be able to send your kids to our school. It's all part of the plan. Peever's retirement plan.

­­ How to know if someone's been reborn:--

They can't talk about anything else. At least anything else that makes sense.--

If they can present a bill from the obstetrical department of heaven.--

They think Charlton Heston is really Moses.--

Pat Robertson makes sense to them.--

They're offended when you question a virgin birth, which frankly I think is quite possible.

I once used that very theory. Her mother seemed quite satisfied.--

It doesn't seem right to have to be saved more than once. This is a one strike your out deal.--

No one can tell these people anything about the Bible. They seem to understand its exact meaning. The world's greatest theologians are no match for them. Why these theologians spent so much time in school when they could have just been saved is beyond me? Seems like such a waste of time.

­­ Still, in the end, each of us must walk our own path. Should your journey waver because of anything said in opposition, or any skepticism shown by others, it is time for you to look back to where it is you are going. Forward is not an option.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online June 6, 2000

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