­­ Bumper sticker of the week: I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

­­ Biotechnology. We are forever searching for the cure. Yet we do so very little to eliminate the degradation of the Earth, perhaps the largest threat to our health. In fact, the five largest producers of human disability are malnutrition, poor water and sanitation systems, unsafe sex, tobacco, and alcohol. One has to wonder where our heads are? As it works out, that's our sixth worst disability.

­­ Bush's energy plan is nothing more than a guarantee to his petroleum buddies that America will look to the past, not the future, in attempting to solve our energy needs. More nuclear power, more oil, focusing on oil exploration in ecologically sensitive areas rather than emphasizing energy efficiency and the development of more sustainable sources. Bush and Vice-President Cheney, former oilmen, must go -- beyond petroleum.

­­ Percent of the world's children raised as bilingual speakers -- 66 percent. Percent of U.S. residents who are bilingual -- 6.3 percent.

­­ Some things I think suck:

--Fat free ice-cream--

Ticks and chiggers--

Milli Vanilli--


Gold teeth--

Ambulance rides--

Bible thumpers--


­­ Odd ideas:--

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.--

My reality check bounced.--

Politicians should make minimum wage.--

Take my advice. I'm not using it.--

The sooner you get behind, the more time you have to catch up.

­­ Name that tune:--

I keep forgettin' I forgot about you.--

She looks better with each beer.--

I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I sure woke up with some.--

I'll marry you tomorrow, but let's honeymoon tonight.--

She's acting single; I'm drinking doubles.

­­ You know you're a right-wing Republican if:--

The ''liberal press'' scares you.--

You think Utah and Idaho would be nice places to retire.--

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.--

You once got wild at a party and took off your tie.--

You think ''Proletariat'' is a type of cheese.--

You remember laughing once as a kid.--

The name Jeffords makes you nauseous.

­­ New warning labels proposed for alcohol:--

Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened.--

Consumption of alcohol causes babies.--

Consumption of alcohol my cause you to think 4 inches is 10 inches.--

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are tougher than some guy at the end of the bar named Bubba.--

Consumption of alcohol may make you believe the bartender is really smart.

­­ Senator Trent Lott, ex-majority leader (That has a nice ring to it), called Senator Jeffords' defection a ''coup.'' I would call it smart, but a ''coup'' is a little much. If it were a coup, Lott would likely be dead. Maybe he meant it was a boo-hoo coup. He hasn't stopped crying yet.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online June 12, 2001

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