­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

­­ Quote of the week: ''If men and women were paid equally, over 50 percent of low-income U.S. households would rise above the poverty level.'' -- Naomi Barko

­­ Getting old isn't all that bad:--

The other day some young gal gave me a hug. She thought it was cute. I thought it was sex.--

It gets easier to comb your hair, because you don't have any and it's impossible getting a comb in your ear.--

People think what you have to say is important when you're older. Little do they know you don't have a clue what your talking about. Hell, you can't even remember what you had for breakfast.--

All the young folks really like your driving. They all honk and wave their finger.--

You finally get even with the insurance man.

­­ Some advice for the lovelorn:--

Never give up hope. There's someone out there for you. Even the Phantom of the Opera found love. Of course, he wasn't too picky.--

Don't get married before the age of 25. Becoming a husband or wife and parent causes premature growing up.--

If you're looking for love and finding it, you're probably in all the wrong places.--

Don't have sex unless you're willing to make a commitment beyond three minutes.--

Write your name in a john. This may seem foolish but I've known several people who met like this. Their relationships were meaningful, but short. Seems it had something to do with the meaning of various words.

­­ How to pick an attorney:--

Check to see if they have a mother. This will help to determine whether or not they are human.--

If you're looking for a male attorney and he's wearing a long-sleeved white shirt on a 90 degree day, figure he's more show than brains. If you're looking for a female attorney and she's wearing a short skirt, figure it's probably the secretary.--

You could randomly run your finger down the names in the yellow pages under attorneys but be sure to stop before you get to auto dealers, although the outcome is likely to be the same.--

Check the crowd standing around an auto accident. The one closest to the victim is probably an attorney.--

Most attorneys are good at what they do. I just can't figure out how they get away with it.

­­ If you're a woman being abused by a man, you need to examine the situation carefully. It may look like love, but it smells like fear.

­­ Do you want to be a millionaire? Millionaire mania hits the airwaves. Regis proclaims when a contestant wins $500,000 and goes for a $1,000,000, ''This is what we live for.'' Oh brother. Now there's Survival. Put a bunch of idiots on an island and let them battle it out for a million.It doesn't take much to entertain folks now-a-days. Give them the hope of becoming rich without earning it, and you've got yourself a hit TV show. I think we've got ourselves a problem.

­­ Al Gore is beginning to act more like a Republican than most Republicans. He must want to get elected real bad. Now he wants to erase the federal deficit even faster than the timetable set by Clinton for 2013. You don't see any large corporations rushing to pay off their debt. What he wants is to appeal to conservatives and out-conservative George W. You would think he might want to propose using some of the vast surplus to help welfare to work families rise above the poverty line, or provide health-care to the millions of people who can't afford it, or spend some significant dollars on education, housing, child care. He needs to do something that makes him worthy of a Democrat. He says he's a Democrat but he smells like a Republican.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online June 20, 2000

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