LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

The breakfast of chumps

— Bumper sticker of the week: Gay marriage doesn’t scare me — no healthcare does, war does, another Bush in the White House does.

— Quote of the week: “If you see a whole thing — it seems that it’s always beautiful. Planets, lives...But up close a world’s all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life’s a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern.” Ursula LeGuin

— It is the basic duty of Congress to speak up when the President breaks the law. If they don’t do it, what good are they?

— Cereal has gotten cheaper over the years. Of course, that’s after they stole from us for years. Well, Mr. Kellogg’s got nothing on me. Get a load of some of these Peever favorites:

• Meaties: The breakfast of Carnivores. Tiny morsels of beef, lightly frosted.

• Christian Flakes: A tribute to those of you who were worried about 6/6/06. You can’t even count on the Devil, but you can for sure count on these Christian Flakes. They’re divine!

• Fried Crispies: Tiny tidbits of anything that crawls.

• Drearios: A low key cereal with a depressing aftertaste.

• Tricks: A sweet smelling cereal, only for men.

• Frosted Mini-Feets: Somebody had to find something to do with all the chicken feet.

• Prune Jacks: Keeps you moving.

• Cocaine Peebles: A bite sized pick-me-upper. Throw down some Pebbles and hang on.

• Golden Grams: Measured energy in every bite. It’s “high” time you tried some.

• Lucky Arms: Hands above the rest. Doubles as finger food.

— Have you ever:

• wondered who is in charge?

• fasted for at least 60 minutes?

• thought about selling your kids?

• ate a whole pie?

• had diarrhea and vomited at the same time?

• wondered how Superman committed suicide?

• talked to someone who's been saved?

• drank so much that you forgot who you were?

• been hit by an alien spacecraft?

• seen someone spontaneously combust?

— I read that George W. and Veep Cheney fashioned a new approach to Iran over lunch. I can hear it now: “George, I think we should nuke them before they nuke us.” “Dick, that’s brilliant. I love when you talk that way.”

— Let’s see if you can get a handle on this:

• If politicians didn’t take special interest money, the art of making wishes come true would be lost.

• I hear all the right-wing Christian soldiers are taking up a collection to buy God a gun. They just can’t decide what kind She’d like.

• People are wondering what all the new businesses moving to town know that we don’t. The answer is “nothing.”

• Adults wonder why kids act the way they do. Look in a mirror.

• When you look at all the money the school district spends, you have to wonder why a

student wouldn’t know the capital of Vermont.

• If Knox College actually became a part of the city, would our average IQ go up or down?

• No matter how many people are killed in Iraq, it still ain’t going to make it right.