The breakfast of chumps


— Bumper sticker of the week: Gay marriage doesnÕt scare me — no healthcare does, war does, another Bush in the White House does.

— Quote of the week: ÒIf you see a whole thing — it seems that itÕs always beautiful. Planets, lives...But up close a worldÕs all dirt and rocks. And day to day, lifeÕs a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern.Ó Ursula LeGuin

— It is the basic duty of Congress to speak up when the President breaks the law. If they donÕt do it, what good are they?

— Cereal has gotten cheaper over the years. Of course, thatÕs after they stole from us for years. Well, Mr. KelloggÕs got nothing on me. Get a load of some of these Peever favorites:

¥   Meaties: The breakfast of Carnivores. Tiny morsels of beef, lightly frosted.

¥   Christian Flakes: A tribute to those of you who were worried about 6/6/06. You canÕt even count on the Devil, but you can for sure count on these Christian Flakes. TheyÕre divine!

¥   Fried Crispies: Tiny tidbits of anything that crawls.

¥   Drearios: A low key cereal with a depressing aftertaste.

¥   Tricks: A sweet smelling cereal, only for men.

¥   Frosted Mini-Feets: Somebody had to find something to do with all the chicken feet.

¥   Prune Jacks: Keeps you moving.

¥   Cocaine Peebles: A bite sized pick-me-upper. Throw down some Pebbles and hang on.

¥   Golden Grams: Measured energy in every bite. ItÕs ÒhighÓ time you tried some.

¥   Lucky Arms: Hands above the rest. Doubles as finger food.

— Have you ever:

¥   wondered who is in charge?

¥   fasted for at least 60 minutes?

¥   thought about selling your kids?

¥   ate a whole pie?

¥   had diarrhea and vomited at the same time?

¥   wondered how Superman committed suicide?

¥   talked to someone who's been saved?

¥   drank so much that you forgot who you were?

¥   been hit by an alien spacecraft?

¥   seen someone spontaneously combust?

— I read that George W. and Veep Cheney fashioned a new approach to Iran over lunch. I can hear it now: ÒGeorge, I think we should nuke them before they nuke us.Ó ÒDick, thatÕs brilliant. I love when you talk that way.Ó

— LetÕs see if you can get a handle on this:

¥ If politicians didnÕt take special interest money, the art of making wishes come true would be lost.

¥ I hear all the right-wing Christian soldiers are taking up a collection to buy God a gun. They just canÕt decide what kind SheÕd like.

¥ People are wondering what all the new businesses moving to town know that we donÕt. The answer is Ònothing.Ó

¥ Adults wonder why kids act the way they do. Look in a mirror.

¥ When you look at all the money the school district spends, you have to wonder why a

student wouldnÕt know the capital of Vermont.

¥ If Knox College actually became a part of the city, would our average IQ go up or down?

¥ No matter how many people are killed in Iraq, it still ainÕt going to make it right.