LEAVE IT TO PEEVER
— Bumper sticker of the week: The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
— Quote of the week: ÒI will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessable, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance, to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.Ó Dawna Markova
— The 12 days of torture:
1. Eat your gruel.
2. Those chains look good on you.
3. One more time (zap), where is (zap) Osama?
4. Do you like the studded dog collar or the electric one?
5. If you get excited while the naked lady is dancing over you, youÕre obviously guilty.
6. WhoÕs your momma?
7. Sure youÕll get out.
8. We hope you enjoy Cuba.
9. So you want an attorney?
10. The Geneva what?
11. We didnÕt mean to pee on your holy book. But why did you put it next to the toilet?
12. If I were you, IÕd vote for Bush and Cheney the next time?
— Never try to unjam a wood chipper with your foot.
— War hawks: Generally speaking, the loudest supporters of the war in Iraq are well beyond the age of
serving. Brave little son-of-a-guns. By and large, most Americans, even from the very beginning, didnÕt want to be involved in Mr. BushÕs private, cowboy fiasco. Military recruiters are having a hard time filling their quotas. They are lowering their standards, increasing bonuses, shortening tours, and violating their own guidelines. War has always involved the haves sending off our children to fight their war. How do you justify sending other peopleÕs children off to fight while cloaking your own in immunity? How do you win a war that no one wants to fight?
— Support for the war in Iraq and BushÕs handling of it: 37%
— Ways to explain the downward trend in humanity:
1. Blame the monkeys. If that donÕt work, blame their cousins, the politicians.
2. It could be the fluoride in the water.
3. I personally think things started going to hell when Jack Benny died.
5. Too many people. Not enough disease.
6. Perfumed toilet paper. Makes even assholes smell good.
7. The decline of intelligent sperm.
8. The increasing gap between the rich and the poor. And the rich and the richer.
9. If you take the creation story literally, itÕs time to rewrite it.
10. Noah should have left the animals on board and thrown himself over. It would have been a break for the Earth, if not humanity.
— Here we go again: CongressÕs annual foray into the absurd. A Constitutional Amendment to ban flag burning. As though these jokers donÕt have anything better to do. This is the fifth year in a row they have labored at such a brain-draining issue. They want to get around the Supreme Court already saying such a law would be a violation of the First Amendment. They want us to make it a Constitutional Amendment. Congress, read my lips, take up something worthwhile, like national health care, or ending an illegal war, or voting to disband the government. Who the hell cares if somebody burns the flag? Buy a new one.