The How’s

– Bumper sticker of the week: Guns don’t kill people...but they make it real easy.

– Quote of the week: "I guess if Ari had to rebel, being a Republican is better than being on drugs, but not by much." Alan Fleisher, father of Ari Fleischer.

– How to avoid catching a disease from an animal:

* Don’t have sex with anything non-human. This may also eliminate many males, but does not necessarily eliminate inflatable dolls.

* Don’t go outside.

* We could shot all offensive animals, but it would probably be more ethical to shot all offensive humans.

* Never go to lunch with an animal foaming at the mouth.

* Don’t allow yourself to be fooled by some cute, little furry thing. Could be a terrorist plot. Or worse.

– How to be a good salesman:

* You have to be able to take money from people who can’t afford what you’re selling and not apologize in the process.

* Keep it simple. The simpler the sales pitch, the more appealing. Go figure.

* You have to be able to lie and cheat. Otherwise, you wouldn’t sell things for five to ten times their value.

* Guarantee everything forever. People are impressed by such stupidity.

* Never stutter when explaining to the customer how badly they need your product.

* Advertise, Advertise, Advertise. Lie, Lie, Lie.

– How to know if you have a drinking problem:

* If you keep falling down when you drink, you may have a problem.

* If your only friends hang out at the bar, you probably have a problem.

* If alcohol tastes better than water, watch out.

* If you think you get smarter when you drink, you better hope you’re wrong.

* Waking up with a person that you don’t recognize is never a good sign.

– How to know if your drinking problem is not that bad:

* If you keep falling down but it don’t hurt, forget it.

* If all your friends are at the bar, invite them home to drink.

* If alcohol starts tasting better than water, you probably live in Henderson, Knoxville, Kewanee, or Lake Bracken.

* If you think you’re smarter when you drink, you probably are.

* Waking up with someone you don’t recognize may not be all that bad. Depending.

– How to check your sanity:

* Count backwards from ten. If you get to eight, you’re probably ok.

* If there is more than one person living in your body, you better kick all but one out.

* If you’re seeing things that don’t seem real, don’t mention it to anyone.

* If you’re hearing things and no one is around, find a crowd.

* If you’re not sure who you are, look in a mirror. If you know the person staring back, you’re probably ok.

– How to know if you were a hippie:

* If you were alive during the 60’s, but can only vaguely remember it, you probably were.

* If you can never get clothes to match, you probably were.

* If you can’t recognize that strange person in some of your early photos, you probably were.

* If you still think marijuana is no different than oregano, you probably were.

* If you get scared taking a shower, going to the barber, or seeing a cop, you guessed it. Congratulations. You were a hippie.