LEAVE IT TO PEEVER
Bumper sticker of the week: Guns dont kill people...but they make it real easy.
Quote of the week: "I guess if Ari had to rebel, being a Republican is better than being on drugs, but not by much." Alan Fleisher, father of Ari Fleischer.
How to avoid catching a disease from an animal:
* Dont have sex with anything non-human. This may also eliminate many males, but does not necessarily eliminate inflatable dolls.
* Dont go outside.
* We could shot all offensive animals, but it would probably be more ethical to shot all offensive humans.
* Never go to lunch with an animal foaming at the mouth.
* Dont allow yourself to be fooled by some cute, little furry thing. Could be a terrorist plot. Or worse.
How to be a good salesman:
* You have to be able to take money from people who cant afford what youre selling and not apologize in the process.
* Keep it simple. The simpler the sales pitch, the more appealing. Go figure.
* You have to be able to lie and cheat. Otherwise, you wouldnt sell things for five to ten times their value.
* Guarantee everything forever. People are impressed by such stupidity.
* Never stutter when explaining to the customer how badly they need your product.
* Advertise, Advertise, Advertise. Lie, Lie, Lie.
How to know if you have a drinking problem:
* If you keep falling down when you drink, you may have a problem.
* If your only friends hang out at the bar, you probably have a problem.
* If alcohol tastes better than water, watch out.
* If you think you get smarter when you drink, you better hope youre wrong.
* Waking up with a person that you dont recognize is never a good sign.
How to know if your drinking problem is not that bad:
* If you keep falling down but it dont hurt, forget it.
* If all your friends are at the bar, invite them home to drink.
* If alcohol starts tasting better than water, you probably live in Henderson, Knoxville, Kewanee, or Lake Bracken.
* If you think youre smarter when you drink, you probably are.
* Waking up with someone you dont recognize may not be all that bad. Depending.
How to check your sanity:
* Count backwards from ten. If you get to eight, youre probably ok.
* If there is more than one person living in your body, you better kick all but one out.
* If youre seeing things that dont seem real, dont mention it to anyone.
* If youre hearing things and no one is around, find a crowd.
* If youre not sure who you are, look in a mirror. If you know the person staring back, youre probably ok.
How to know if you were a hippie:
* If you were alive during the 60s, but can only vaguely remember it, you probably were.
* If you can never get clothes to match, you probably were.
* If you cant recognize that strange person in some of your early photos, you probably were.
* If you still think marijuana is no different than oregano, you probably were.
* If you get scared taking a shower, going to the barber, or seeing a cop, you guessed it. Congratulations. You were a hippie.