Gassed in Galesburg


– Bumper sticker of the week: Want a good laugh? This is my good car.

– Quotes of the week: "Every reasonable human being should be a moderate socialist." Thomas Mann

"Democracy is the road to socialism." Karl Marx

– Nonprofit salaries: Holy crap! I should be running a nonprofit organization. As fate would have it, I was in management at Bridgeway when it was still a charity. Always a day late and hundreds of thousands of dollars short. I've seen people put in jail for stealing a whole lot less. No wonder they're crying so load about the state not giving them enough money. This is what I would commonly call a joke. Unfortunately, it's on people who need mental health and substance abuse services. The board should clean house, but you can bet they won't. They're all hand picked, by guess who?

– Ten ways to improve your life:

1. Spend more time singing and dancing. If you're not very good at it, so what?

2. Write a book about your life. Keep it light.

3. When you feel the urge to lie, go to law school.

4. Pray. Pray. Pray. Then tee it up.

5. Don't smoke, drink, or have sex with the neighbor lady. Or is that drink, have sex with the neighbor lady, and blame it on the alcohol?

6. Start exercising. Get up off the couch, take a deep breath, now sit back down. You don't want to kill yourself.

7. Go back to school, but preferably, not while you're in prison.

8. Volunteer. Your present job, which likely pays next to nothing, does not count.

9. If you are down and out, go to Bridgeway. Ask for a management job.

10. And finally, think positively, for it is positive thinking that has taken us to where we are.

– You know you're a Republican if:

• you think fighting in Iraq makes sense.

• you are opposed to government helping the poor.

• you think all artists are gay.

• your favorite bumper sticker is, "George W. Bush, an American Hero."

• you are sure Jesus was a Republican.

• you think healthcare is a luxury, to be bought by those with money, much like a Rolex or fine bottle of wine.

• you listen to Rush Limbaugh and think what he says is anything other than a string of baloney about 10 miles long and 5 miles wide.

• you can understand Sarah Palin and think she is presidential material.

– The Illinois legislature should raise the state income tax from 3% to 5%, which would still be one of the lowest rates in the nation. While doing so, they should eliminate some of the stupid taxes they have placed on just about every item known to mankind, and lower property taxes. The state income tax is the fairest way to tax us. You pay if you have a job. They should be able to figure this out. They're worried about their jobs, even though a majority of Illinois citizens support the idea. They want to stay on the gravy-train. It's about time we threw them off. They appear to be incompetent, self-serving, and otherwise unemployable. Why should we keep supporting them? We'd be better off hiring some first graders.

– All gassed up and no place to go: Our gas prices in Galesburg are always about 10-15 cents higher than anywhere else in Illinois and most surrounding states (discounting Chicago). I go down to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and can without hesitation state that the price of gas is higher here than anywhere in-between. I recently went to Omaha, Nebraska, with the same results. I don't know what accounts for this, but I do have some theories. They all involve us, the citizens, being cheated. Imagine that.