­­Bumper sticker of the week: Passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

­­B.S. You decide:--

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.--

85 percent of statistics are made up.--

You know you hit middle age when you chose your cereal by the fiber content rather than the toy.--

More people get sick in hospitals than get well.--

It pays to be a monopoly.--

If you are habitually late, you'll seldom be early.--

The more beer you drink, the easier it is to understand Latin.--

One out of two pigeons is eventually mistaken for a chicken.--

Everything tastes like chicken but pigeon.

­­My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry.

­­I hear the city wants the county to give them the Orpheum. This is the same city that hasn't passed a referendum since 1864, demonstrating the lack of confidence the citizens have in the city running anything. Alderman Sundburg uses the term ''give'' awfully loose. If I were him, I would concentrate more on answering the question, Where is everyone going? A fancy theatre without any people is not entertainment, it's fantasy. And it appears Alderman Sundburg wants to be the star.

­­I suppose if I took all the spiritual books I have read and stacked them on top of one another, and stood on top of them, I would be that much closer to God.

­­I woke up this morning wondering what it was I needed to buy in order to be happy today. I thought about a new car, a fancy new watch, a boat, new golf clubs. Maybe a piece of the rock. They say the more I buy, the happier I'll be. I should be nearing nirvana, cause I'm running out of room for everything.

­­People love drugs. There are all types. Some make you high, some make you low. Some make you better, some make you worse. There's always a trade-off, a deal to be made. When the man comes calling with his miracles, beware! They come with a price, the least of which is the cost.

­­Attilaisms: (From Attila the Hun)--

Great chieftains never take themselves too seriously.--

If it were easy to be a chieftain, everyone would be one.--

Huns will make enemies on purpose.--

A chieftain can never be in charge if he is riding in the back seat.--

Some Huns have solutions for which there are no problems.--

Every Hun has value, even if only to serve as a bad example.

­­Things you should learn by age 50:--

Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.--

Showing off body parts is a trick that eventually wears thin.--

Never lick a steak knife.--

Life insurance comes with a sad ending, particularly for the policy holder.--

Someone who is nice to you but rude to the waitress is not a nice person.--

For men: messing with young women will cost you.--

For women: messing with older men will cost you.--

No matter how old you feel, it's only going to get worse.

­­Never go out with a guy named Freddie on Friday the 13th.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online July 11, 2001

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