Call the Orkin man

– Bumper sticker of the week: What’s the opposite of progress? Congress.

– Quote of the week: "I believe there’s something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it’s the government." Woody Allen

– Answering the E-mail:

• Mr. Bruce: Why do you dislike the church? Rev. Doolittle

Dear Rev. Doolittle: Seems like an awful waste of money.

• Dear Peever: Do you offer any proof that capitalism cannot work in a democracy? Mr. Greenback

Dear Mr. Greenback: Enron. WorldCom. Arthur Anderson.

• Dear Mr. Peever: Just exactly how liberal are you? Rush

Dear Rush: Michael Moore’s got nothing on me. I consider Lane Evans a moderate Democrat. Does that help you any?

• Dear Mr. Weik: Do you belong to the NRA? Chester

Dear Chester: Stupid question.

• Dear Peever: Do you think pomography is evil? Christian

Dear Christian: People seem to like to show themselves off. Most of them shouldn’t. If you don’t like it, don’t look.

• Dear Bruce: What do you think about the war in Iraq? Colin

Dear Colin: Reminds me, I need to schedule a colonoscopy. What a pain in the ass. I pretty much think the same about the war.

• Dear Mr. Weik: What do you think about universal healthcare? Do you think it will ever happen? Dr. Getrich

Dear Dr. Getrich: Yes. In the next ten years. Otherwise, there’s going to be a revolt. This is America’s biggest disgrace, short of Congress.

• Mr. Peever: Do you think joining the military is a good option for young people? Mr. Recruiter

Dear Mr. Recruiter: No. I have seen it do some good, but a good Job Corp could do the same. The poor, minorities, jobless, get recruited. You don’t see many rich kids signing up. The poor and disenfranchised risk their lives so that the rich can get richer, from a safe distance.

• Dear Bruce: What do you think about "Fahrenheit 9/11"? I assume you saw it? Connie

Dear Connie: You bet your bippy I saw it. I thought I was in heaven. There has never been such an indictment on a sitting President in U.S. history. There’s not a sentence in the movie that Bush and his cronies will be able to dispute. And you can bet your bottom dollar they’re looking pretty hard. I haven’t seen Wolfowitz or Cheney since the movie came out.

• Dear Peever: What about those right-winged Christians you always are talking about? Aren’t they multiplying? Ken

Dear Ken: Call Orkin.

• Dear Bruce: Martial law in Iraq. What do you think about that? George

Dear George: I think that’s what Bush and his henchmen have in store for the world. To squelch dissent in Iraq, Bush is going to use: The Patriot Act. At least he’s not treating the Iraqis any worse than he’s treating us.

• Dear Mr. Peever: What do you think about a gay marriage amendment? Mr. Righteous

Dear Mr. Righteous: These right-winged do-gooders don’t mind killing anyone who gets between them and an oil well, but stand clear if a couple of the same sex want to have the same protections and rights under the law as heterosexual couples do. It’s a bunch of foolish politicking by a bunch of foolish men. They should all be thrown out on their asses and forced to make a real living. Most of them would last about three days.