­­Bumper sticker of the week: Way deep down, you know I'm right.

­­Quote of the week: ''True cowboys must be able to ride beyond time and geography. They must leave us a dream to grow by, a haunting echo of a song, a fine dust that is visible for generations against even a black-and white sunset. Today, many children of the dust dream of becoming cowboys. And its ok to think you're a cowboy, unless, of course, you happen to run into someone who thinks he's an Indian.'' Guide to Texas Etiquette, Kinky Friedman

­­Hard Habits to Break:

--There must be something primal about nose picking. Did you ever watch two primates picking bugs off one another? Humans pick their nose instead. The other fascinating thing about nose picking is someone always sees you. You can be in the middle of the desert alone, pick your nose, and bingo, a whole crowd shows up.--

Talking is one of those things most people shouldn't do. I never thought of talking as a habit, but for some people, it's a bad habit. If you're the kind of person who talks too much, shut the hell up and listen.--

Cussing is a bad habit. I have this habit, but I'm not really very good at it. I cuss for effect, not really for a pastime. Some people cuss every other word. This is offensive and they should be put to death.--

Addictions are all nothing more than habits. Most addictions are bad habits, although I'm not so sure about sexual addiction. In order to end an addiction of any type, all you have to do is stop doing it. This makes sexual addiction very easy to overcome. Either get married or grow old.--

Sometimes a person is a hard habit to break. People stay married for all the wrong reasons. One in two marriages fail, the other one's usually a bad habit.--

I have a habit of saying things that would best be said in a confessional to a priest, but being alone with a priest in a dark closet nowadays scares me. But I am going to try to do better. I'm going to count to ten in my mind before I answer or say things I shouldn't. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Oh, the hell with it. Enterprise zones are a rip-off of the taxpayer. No one on the city council ever asks for any facts or figures or proof that these Chamber of Commerce schemes are of any benefit to the taxpayer. This is yet another one they're wrong on. Badmouthing the council is a hard habit to break.

­­People will believe anything: If I said 70% of the people in Knox County are related, people would immediately question how that figure could possibly be so low; 90% of Galesburg females, ages 16-24, report having had sex, while 100% of the males this same age report being sexually active, leaving a 10% possibility that there are going to be some weird looking animals running around. 63% of 80% of those claiming to read actually can; 17% of the 80% count listening to books on tape; the other 20% can't talk, much less read. 100% of those persons who drive eventually die. 73% of all politicians are humans. And finally, one out of every two persons are known lairs, making it at least a 50% possibility that what you have just read is untrue. Or vice versa, a 50% possibility that it's true, leaving an 87% chance that you'll quote some of it to your moron friends.

­­Threelevels of stupidity:

1.Common stupidity: You can see these people everywhere. Butchers, bakers, candlestick makers. Common stupidity is as widespread as the common cold, and as hard to get rid of.

2.Dumber than a box of rocks: This would be like a blonde lawyer politician. Such people are mired in the vastness of stupidity. They think they can outsmart anybody. Usually they only fool themselves.

3.When you meet these people, you'll stop arguing against abortion: And start arguing for euthanasia. These people number about one out of every ten. For some strange reason, they usually end up in charge of something. These are people that make capital punishment really a good idea.

­­That's cool. That's really, really, cool.

Uploaded to The Zephyr website July 23, 2002

Back to The Zephyr home page at: www.thezephyr.com