— Bumper sticker of the week: How is it we can find money for war but not for health-care?

— If you lend someone $100 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

— I get a lot of e-mails recommending how I can boost my manhood. Lately, there have also been a lot wanting me to buy replica watches. I wonder if my manhood would be boosted by buying a fake Rolex?

— Generally speaking, youÕre not learning much when your lips are moving.

— Answering the e-mail:


¥ Herman: What do you think about Israel and Lebanon?

Peever: I think we need to put a tranquilizer in the Israeli water supply. They seem awful eager to kill those less armed. It would be a lot simpler if Bush, say, were to give them Texas. In the long run, it would work out much better, for everyone.


¥ Donna: Why donÕt you support Bush? The economy is better, employment is up, and terrorists are on the run.

Peever: And tomorrow the sun is going to come up in the West, my dogs are going to start pooping gold, and the Cubs are going to win the pennant.


¥ Tom: What do you think Galesburg could do to help itself?

Peever: The tranquilizer idea probably wouldnÕt be too bad.


¥ Sally: IsnÕt it nice we wonÕt have to pay for the improvements being made on North Seminary Street to accommodate the new shopping center?

Peever: Yeah. And I have some property IÕd like to sell you in Beirut.


¥ Don: What religion do you advise people to follow? I get the impression you donÕt like Christianity?

Peever: I donÕt make religious recommendations, even though IÕm an ordained minister. (It took me an hour on the Internet, which I thought was ridiculously long.) Follow your heart, do good, donÕt kill anyone, and donÕt screw the neighborÕs wife, nor his ass. Short of that, youÕre on your own.


¥ Ken: IÕm new in town. Where are the best places to eat?

Peever: YouÕve come to the right person. I love to eat. Here are some of my favorites, in no particular order: Joy Garden, Jalisco, New China, MacÕs Place, Club 41(St. Augustine), Barnstormer (Monmouth), and Crappies for wings, unbreaded tenderloin, hamburger, and fries. Bon Appetit! See you in rehab.


¥ Robert: You apparently donÕt like Republicans. Why is that?

Peever: Look around. Nuclear proliferation, war, money scams, environmental devastation, right-wing religious nonsense (creationism, stem cell research), no jobs, no health-care, no help for the poor. Now ask me that again.


¥ Bud: Do you think the world has any chance to survive?

Peever: The world will survive, but IÕm not so sure about humans. IÕm coming to the conclusion that may not be all that bad.


¥ Larry: What do you think about the hot topics, stem cell research and gay marriages?

Peever: Stem cell research is the only hope for cures for tens of thousands of people. Making it a religious issue is more right wing, Christian idiocy. Bush is for the 1,953rd time wrong. All the scientists and researchers will move to India, China, Japan, Russia. WeÕll sink into a 3rd world nation, which we will so richly deserve. As far as gay marriages, who cares?