­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

­­ A dozen ways to lose your lover:

1. Have a sex change operation.

2. Refuse to brush your teeth.

3. Shower once per month.

4. Constantly talk about your ex.

5. Request your partner have an AIDS test.

6. Don't use, ''We're only friends,'' as an explanation.

7. ''I didn't know you were suppose to change your underwear that often.''

8. For men, never mention anything about preferred size.

9. For women, never mention anything about preferred size.

1O. Never use the phrase,'' I forgot.''

11. Don't give a burial plot as a gift.

12. Do not, under any set of circumstances, call him or her by the wrong name at the right time.

­­ They cry about social security about to go bankrupt and Congress repeals the 1993 tax increase. This is supposed to make sense? These guys would do anything to get reelected, obviously including making fools of themselves.

­­ Some things one could easily live without:--

mowing the lawn--

listening to a minister talk about how much we sin--

throwing up--

getting beat at golf by a 13-year-old--

hearing someone say, ''I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.''--

getting a letter from the IRS.--


knowing anyone who claims to know The Truth--

going to the hospital, and the first person you see is the chaplain

­­ A $15 dollar unpaid gas bill leads to a young man being shot 5 times in McLean County. Maybe he just forgot? Anyway, there ensues a high speed chase, endangering the public, for $15. Why not drive up behind him, get his license number, and wait for him to return home? I suppose I know the answer. That would require you to use your head rather than the almighty gun. Anyway, the young man gets shot five times in the back and dies. Ends up he was disabled, which may have explained the non-payment to begin with. The likelihood anyone will be held accountable, next to zero. Seems when you wear a badge, just about anything goes. I suppose you can't blame them. When they flip on their lights and siren, you're supposed to stop, step out, bow, throw your hands on the hood, and confess. All in all, I guess that is better than being shot five times in the back.

­­ Beautify the town square, which is actually a circle. I suppose I would first of all ask,why? What goes on at the town square? Who are you trying to impress? The same holds true for putting up a false front on Main Street. We tried this once already, it came crumbling down. We have the biggest visitors center east of the Mississippi. That's helped the town a lot. Someone just yesterday told me that's why they moved here. It's the same old thing. We try to impress others by superficially making things look pretty. I'll tell you what. Give me the money you're going to use for all this nonsense. For that kind of dough, I'll paint everything green, and I assume you'll all be happy.

­­ Bush Jr. and Cheney. There's a pair to draw to. We'd be in good shape if jokers were wild. The Republican Party decides to move to the right side of conservative. I couldn't be happier. If this is what America wants, vote Bush-Cheney in November. Here's what you'll get: no abortion even if raped or the mother's life is in danger; guns for everyone; oil and gas prices that will make today's look ridiculously low; open season for the death penalty; increased defense spending; unlimited profit and giveaways to big corporations, most notably the oil industry; environmental devastation; increased health-care cost; increased medicare costs; a continuing assault on social programs that help the poor and working poor. The Republicans say Cheney brought the ticket experience, trust, honesty, and stability. I would say he brought the ticket a clear right-wing ideology and a member of George Bush Sr's administration, who we threw out after four dismal years. I do have to admit, however, that he does bring more to the ticket than Bush does.

­­ I like this comment that you hear quite often when a company is about to be investigated, ''We welcome this inquiry.'' Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online August 1, 2000

Back to The Zephyr