LEAVE IT TO PEEVER
Bumper sticker of the week: The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Quotes of the week: "Faith is not making religious-sounding noises in the daytime. It is asking your innermost self questions at night and then getting up and going to work. " Mary Jean Irion
"Aim for the chopping block. If you aim for the wood, you will have nothing. Aim past the wood, aim through the wood; aim for the chopping block. " Annie Dillard
Im taking all bets that we still find the original A-bomb in Iraq. Im thinking about the time Bushs approval rating hits 40 percent. Its already down to 53 percent. There it will be, hiding in one of those horrible tractor trailers. Mobile weapons factories, you know?
There definitely must be some kind of correlation between stardom and stupidity. Enter Kobe Bryant. Why not just hire a prostitute if your dancing dew worm isnt getting enough business at night. At least a prostitute wouldnt have you arrested for trying to screw her. Although she could be an undercover cop. Still, it would probably only be a $50 fine.
The ten best places in the United States to live:
1. Madison, Wisconsin. Although there are way too many liberals. Not near enough people to argue with.
2. Pensacola Beach, Florida. A haven for o ld hippies. And I saw Jesus there. In fact, I saw two of Him, which was a bit perplexing.
3. Columbus, Indiana. Everything Galesburg is not.
4. Austin, Texas. The only place in Texas that isnt like Texas.
5. Mt. Shasta, California. The place is like a dream, minus the nightmare.
6. Cancun, Mexico. Should be the 5lst state. Much more accessible than Hawaii.
7. Vancouver, British Columbia. A beautiful place with a highly diverse population, making it unlikely there would be any right-winged Christians living there. And yes, I realize its not in the states, but its close.
8. Seattle (Whidbey Island), Washington. A quaint little paradise with a lot of people who are creative, most in a charming, con-man kind of way.
9. Traverse City, Michigan. This is a summer kind of place. It resembles hell in the winter.
10. Oquawka, Illinois. A place where most outsiders can feel normal. For that matter, most mentally ill people would feel normal. And the best smoked carp this side of the Mississippi.
How to make the most out of a bad situation:
If you get caught with your pants down, blame it on your tailor. If you dont have one, get one, quick.
If someone fingers you while youre driving, blow them some kisses, in a happy, gay kind of way.
If you get diarrhea, consider doing a stain removal commercial.
If you get in the wrong line at the funeral home, tell the relatives of the deceased youre that long-lost cousin from Kentucky.
If youre being held up, ask for a receipt. You can report it as a gambling loss. You took a chance on mankind.
If your preachers giving you hell for sinning, ask him why the choir directors kid looks just like him.
If all else fails, join the military. Travel to new places. Meet new people. Kill them.
Its hard to picture 12 year old kids working 14 hours a day in some rot-gut infested building in Bangladesh or Thailand when Im staring at some lacy, Victorias Secret panties. In fact, thats what the fancy marketers hope. They dont want the product in any way to have a history. It wasnt so many years ago thats exactly why we would buy something. We knew the craftsman, the artist, the worker who made the product. Not any more. Today you dont meet the thin, Vietnamese child sewing together your Nike shoes. You meet Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods. Its much more bearable that way.